The Army

         

The long-term employed in the Psyops Unit agrees that the past year in the military has been intense, and busier than ever before.

 

Looking back at the last thirteen months, intense and busy are definitely words that comes to mind – challenging, healthy and fun, equally so. I am writing this from Kampala, the capital in Uganda, with the sound of tropical birds, heavy rain and a fan next to me in the background.

Having completed my third military exercise in less than two months, I needed a change of scenery. Getting distance from home always bring clarity and appreciation for what is left behind. And although our recent exercises has been far from home, there has been little time to stop and think.

It took us a few days to move our military convoy from Sweden to Northern Norway. The weather was windy and a snow storm made it impossible to see the mountains as we approached the boarder. My Scania truck loaded with a 4.5 meter high container cleared traffic in both directions to be able to fit into a tunnel near our destination.

After assembling the 30 meter radio antenna at the military base in Setermoen, near Bardu in Norway, we began broadcasting a mix of music and local radio programming, such as weather, traffic and various news and entertainment content for six days. The surrounding mountains makes it difficult for any national radio station to reach Bardu, which could have been one of the keys to the success of our broadcasting mission during the multinational ‘Cold Response’ peace-keeping exercise.

Five Norwegian soldiers lost their lives during the exercise. They were flying a Hercules aircraft when they crashed into a glacier near Kebnekaise, Sweden’s tallest mountain. Our Unit attended the Memorial Service for the lost soldiers at the Norwegian base and I invited the priest to my radio show the following morning.

Focusing on the radio broadcasting as a means to win the trust of the local population, whilst testing equipment and technical abilities, made Cold Response a success for our team. For me, it was a success for two reasons:

I stopped presenting and producing my weekly radio show in London in 2008, which was some time ago now, plus I hadn’t broadcasted in Swedish language since University – even longer ago! However, the joy and excitement of being live on the radio and communicating directly with an audience in my mother tongue went as smooth as I could have hoped, and I loved every second of it.

Secondly, the challenge of spending two weeks in a military environment and all it involves, such as constantly being dressed in male military clothes, sleeping on the floor in a room with 18 others and working around the clock, packing, lifting and unloading and driving a truck to and from Norway – wasn’t a problem at all. On the contrary, I didn’t find my situation very challenging this time. With a number of training missions completed, I could almost predict some of my emotions and situations ahead, and easily accept them.

Our treat on the last night, as we had just reached Kiruna, was an outdoor BBQ. Our commander in charge lit a cigar and the smell of the food, combined with being in front of a warm fire in dry clothes and the mission behind me, released a heavy dose of endorphins in my blood. There wasn’t anywhere else I wished to be.

The true joys in life are simple and when all you depend on is the lower scale of Maslow’s pyramid in order to survive - you really become aware of it - just like the joy of a sunny day.

The strength from that insight is the main learning I take from this mission. No matter where I am, or in what circumstance, it is the wellness in my mind and body that will determine how I enjoy or cope with the situation. All circumstance is external and my frame of mind and happiness comes from within. I am my best friend and worst enemy, and from this day I can go anywhere and do anything - just like I always have.

As discussed in my last blog post - one of the key words to cope and enjoy a military mission, is isolation - and a lot of the time it pretty much sums up the feeling of working in the Army too. Whilst the isolation-mindset can be a surviving factor during military training and missions, it can lead to a backlash too, especially during a communication process.

The military world, similar to many other industries, can be described as a bubble of its own, with little interest or influence from the outside world, the unknown, or new. And in all fairness, why even bother? The Army has no commercial competitors and therefore no need to adapt to trends in society, or the market, make more effective use of its resources, or communicating and defending any long-term aims for many of its activities. I’m sure there is a need for the above, but my point is: It’s like teaching an old dog to sit.

Females are still an extreme minority in high level military positions, as well as a minority in my Unit, despite numerous women being interviewed during the recruitment process. However, apart from several layers of inequality in the military - another proof of the Army’s isolated nature and its discomfort with change, is that people within the establishment are still using old-fashioned words, which can be described as an extremely dated way of conversing.

I have spent the past couple of months marvelling at the way people communicate, and to my astonishment my own colleagues are starting to pick up on the military lingo. People, including myself at times, have started incorporating a few select words - not only with military officers, but also in conversation with each other!

I am sure that anyone from the outside world would raise an eyebrow, if not two, in the Army office.

To get what I mean, see list of words below:

“Taget” – meaning: I accept and agree with you in the shortest way possible, and without asking any questions, since I would like to be perceived as highly efficient moron, eh - soldier.

“Gott” – meaning: Since I love the Army and identify as a Swedish Officer so much, I say this 100 year old word, instead of the modern “Good”. However, I keep repeating it because I constantly have to remind myself of who I am, as of way of not getting confused and insecure about my identity, so: Bla bla “gott” bla “gott" bla bla, "GOTT!”

“Frågor?” – meaning: Does anyone have any questions in regard to what I have just said? Within a millisecond is normally follow by: “Gott” and “Frammåt”, below:

“Frammåt!” – meaning "ahead" and for the person hearing it: OK, let’s implement the orders. We are now allowed to start our task, but first; let’s stomp our feet together loudly and then take one large step in forward direction, as to make a mark that we’re alert and now moving swiftly out of sight from the idiot who just spoke.

“Uppfattat” – meaning: OK, cool – I understand what you mean, but I am sharper than most since I can use a super short word for it. Plus, I won’t ask any questions, which means; brownie points for me!

“Tillägg” – meaning: Is there anyone who would like to add something to what I have already said now when I am completely done with my presentation?

OR: Attention my way! Since I have just listened to the presentation and been quiet for a long time – I will now add something important that the presenter obviously missed, or more like it - that I didn’t share with him/her ahead of the presentation - giving me the last word.

Regarding the general communication process, I'm sure it can be improved in many companies – as miscommunication can lead to rumours, confusion and at worst, stress for the employee. Also, any organisation interested in securing talent to drive the company forward and closer to its goals and visions, must focus on individual satisfaction.

Communication and company decisions therefore can’t be done in isolation, or starting from the top without taking into account both relevant internal and external information, along with some influences from the outside.

Apart from knowing the vision and goals of an organisation, you also need to know your individual responsibilities to do with your specific role, broken down on a day to day basis. Once you know what your area of delivery includes – long term and short; you need to stay motivated. This is where a manager or boss comes into the picture, a person that can provide goal, or sub-goal performance feedback in order for you to grow and improve in you role. 

Motivation then, will always start at an individual level, and in the Army – at the bottom of the hierarchy!

Having rested for a week I am back to my normal energy levels. The second of our “pre-Cold Response training sessions” finished in Boden last week. And now, just as I have gotten used to being at home again – it’s time for another work trip.

 

However, this time I know how to survive a military mission.

 

The trick is to surrender completely, and forget about your normal life and routines for as long as the exercise last. Forget your interests, books, food-or drink preferences, family or usual activities. Don’t expect to have the time for anything else than the planned military activities, 24/7.

 

Imagine joining a summer camp for pre-schoolers, but instead of a teacher telling you where, when and how to do something, you have a man (obviously) dressed in a green costume telling you his expectations. Your job is simply to listen and if asked – be prepared to repeat the order in front of everyone, and go with the flow.

 

As I told my mother the above, she enthusiastically exclaimed; “Sounds like the most wonderful holiday! Not having to think!” Just how much one is expected to think in the Army and to what extent, definitely comes with practice. I’ve had to learn the hard way, and in regards to missions - nobody briefed me in advance. Perhaps it's all too obvious to the already military trained?

 

Well, I have never before experienced a military mission during my 33 years of life. My role and employment in the Army may be of civilian rank, but I’m expected to lead the life of a fully blown soldier especially when there is training or missions on schedule. And since I haven’t complained or asked too many questions in regards to this (a highly unaccepted behaviour in the Army btw) – it is now clear to me how to adapt during missions, in order to keep my sanity.

 

It’s easy to realise why I found it tough at times during my first assignment in Italy – the mission all self proclaimed hard-core Army studs called an ”ice-cream holiday”, which at first made me feel like a super weak person. For me it wasn’t all easy to live and work at the Italian Psyops base.

 

Also when packing for Italy I had my personal computer, yoga video and Yantra mat with me – thinking I’ll be able to stick with some of my personal routines and joys whilst living abroad. It feels silly to write this now, as I know better.

 

On mission – there is nothing called individual routines and in a way, I wish someone had told me ahead of the trip! Not once did I have a chance to enjoy a yoga session on my own, and the only time I used my Yantra mat was during a weekend away at a hotel, when the activated peptide hormones gave me a severe headache for the rest of my break – and it lasted the entire mission.

 

I never managed to have a good night’s sleep in Italy. We’re talking five weeks of not sleeping here… Oh, and there was plenty of mold on the walls giving half of the Swedish crew breathing and throat problems – me included. Each night I was woken up several times by other people snoring in the room, or from my own turning in the tiny, squeaky and terribly uncomfortable and extremely hard bed. In total, the room had three iron beds and three lockers – that’s it. So a sort of echoing sound spread from each movement, and any noise from outdoors also found its way into our room.

 

Back then I thought normal earplugs were too large for my ears and I was never able to use them the correct way. During the night I repeatedly used to wake up without them. I was also extremely cold in the night, since the Italians were too cheap to turn the heating on.

 

Not until my training mission in Boden last week, have I learnt how to squeeze the earplugs into tiny worms and force them into my eardrums! It hurts, but that’s the way to do it, and it blocks all sound out until the next morning, when removing them. On my recent mission in Northern Sweden, I also had to drop my Psychology studies since studying started to stress me out – it’s impossible to find the energy and time to study on mission. I just have to accept getting behind with my studies while away. And the Yantra mat is not coming along next time.

 

As long as I have a shower each night, I’ll be relaxed enough to go to sleep.

 

On mission, the trick is basically to forget who you are and the life you prefer, and to welcome with all your cells – the regimented Army existence. Get up when everyone else is getting up. Eat at times when everyone else goes for breakfast, lunch or dinner – and consume all that is on offer, since you’ll be in need of the energy. Stick together at all times and don’t – not in any situation – get behind!

 

There is nothing that bugs military officers, and your colleagues for that matter, more than lateness.

 

The only thing to take personal control of is your own hydration and warmth, so change socks and remove boots whenever possible. Keep your own equipment close at all times and with all gear in the right place and fully fuelled, such as hot water in your thermos. Accept that nobody may know anything about what’s going on, or what is ahead – not even your boss. It’s a common thing in the Army since the hierarchy has a pacifying effect on people. In such times, it’s best to practise mindfulness and take a nap, because who knows when you’ll next be able to rest?

 

Having reached a peak in friction ahead of the weekend, the pressure has disappeared and all has been fun and games since Friday. Almost… One of our trucks had an accident during a “turn and break” exercise on Sunday and turned completely sideways down a ditch.

 

I was asked to save my friends together with a wrecker truck. However, on its way to the rescue – the wrecker also went off the road! Military police was called out to block the road and I had to save the day by pulling up the wrecker truck using my winch for the first time and placing my truck in four different positions across the road. The wrecker was buried deep into the snow but after three hours of digging and winching, I got it up on the road again.

 

My poor friends had to wait outside for several hours before getting rescued, but thanks to making a fire and with plenty of food in their vehicle, they were OK.

 

After a weekend of working 24hours per day we finished Monday night at a spa in central Boden. The Psyops Unit had rented the entire Relax and massage floor and spent the evening indulging in steam rooms, Jacuzzis and slides. I was one of the brave who made it into the outdoor pool on the rooftop. The only challenge was getting into the 38-degree round pool, as the steps were covered in ice.

 

There was also a bar, where I managed to get a perfect Vanilla Sky...

 

We had a special herb sauna together at the end, which finished with smearing honey onto our bodies. It may sound like a strange thing to do with male colleagues but believe me – by now I’m completely comfortable with the guys and I’m happy to say we were all wearing swimsuits!

 

The exercise in Boden has been a true bonding experience and I am feeling very close and happy with the group at the moment. It’s a great bunch of personalities and I think it’s the first time in a very long time that I am experiencing the phenomena of belonging to a group. No matter what I get put through by the Army – I feel confident, calm and strong. I know I will handle whatever comes up especially as I have the trust and energy of the troop, as a part of me.

 

Despite being strong individuals, perhaps we’ve become an integrated Unit, at last.

I’ve gone off to have a pizza on my own. It’s been a tough day, and it finished with having news about a death in the family – a hard day then and on many levels.

 

We’ve been away for several days now, either on the road or in combat training – or force integration training as it’s also called. People in the team are getting tired, agitated and emotional in general and today it was particularly noticeable. Personally I felt so weak this morning I struggled getting my rucksack up the stepladder and into the truck. I wanted to scream, cry or just walk out and give up. My eyes were hurting and I started thinking I must be sick. Lots of people have started showing flu symptoms and I’m sharing a room with 12 others. It’s difficult to wake up rested on top of a narrow bunk bed, and I keep waking up with my duvet on the floor.

 

Doing these types of exercises is hard physically as well as psychologically. Each day I am learning and performing and being evaluated. After each exercise I am asked to do it again and again and improve myself, or the team effort. At all hours I am listening, learning, focusing and delivering. And I take it seriously. I get up at six every morning to have an early breakfast that I have bought and cooked myself, I change into my full army combat clothing and shortly afterwards I am outside ready to pick up my weapon. My lunch comes in a green bag outdoors that I cook by stirring in hot water and letting it swell for ten minutes. Late at night when the day is over, I have a shower - it’s the only time of the day that I have to myself. When standing in the white tiled room there is only myself and the sound and feel of the hot water running down the drain. The sound of the water, that’s usually all that I think about at the end of the day.

 

On this mission, I’ve taken on the responsibility of the Radio Group. I gather information to brief and instruct, however sometimes the information isn’t delivered, or it’s delivered straight to the group, which make me feel surplus at times. I can’t do anything about it, rather than address it afterwards. One of the guys in the group took out his anger on me today for not doing a good enough job, and although I knew he was on edge and upset at someone else, I still felt it – the upset. Yet, I acknowledged the critique aimed at me, and said that although I see the situation from a different perspective I’ll take onboard the comments and continue my responsibility the best I can.

 

Looking back at the training today: As I stood in the snow with my weapon aimed in the direction of a potential enemy, I remembered how I used to play in the woods as a child. I used to invent a pretence scenario or a fantasy role-play that I got so into, I started believing it was for real. I had the same feeling today. We were searching for mines in the snow, rolling our vehicles out of an infected area, protecting our camp and whilst looking for an enemy and signalling to the post nearby - the situation felt just as real as when playing in the woods as a six year old.

 

This job may feel like a fucking waste of time sometimes, but when I have to perform and deliver, no matter what it is – I’ll take it seriously. Even when standing on a snowy hilltop looking at nothing but a bunch of pine trees, that’s what I’ll always remember. It’s been a tough day but I did my best and I’m proud of that.

It was a special feeling arriving in Boden last night. My dad did his military service here in the 70s and it’s still a huge military base located in Northern Sweden. I’ve never been this far north before and the road trip here was a true adventure through snow, spectacular coastline and mountains. I had to drive over 1000 kilometres with my Scania P124 truck!

 

Before falling asleep last night, I went to Regiment I 19’s gym, which must have looked the same even when my dad was working out 35 years ago. In the small basement room with low ceilings and wooden walls, I counted ten young men with well-defined muscles from the exercise bike in the middle. Perhaps I am getting used to always being around men, or it could have been the loud music by System of a Down blasting out from the speakers in the former USSR looking sweat spot – but I felt instantly at home.

 

The Psyops team is in Northern Sweden to participate in something called CET – Combat Enhancement Training. It kicked off today and apart from planning a new radio station in Norway, I spent half of the day shooting. I wore my brand new snow uniform and blended in well with the environment. Having been called Nikita during my soldier training last summer, my nickname in the snow became Sniper!

 

I hadn’t used my AK5c with Aimpoint since June last year, and I felt a rush of adrenaline ahead of the shooting. It didn’t happen when I shot with Glock in September, so it was a nice surprise. I skipped lunch since I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to digest well and it turned out to be a good idea. My heart was pumping and even my fingertips and toes got warm from the first firing.

 

Right now, I’ve finished cleaning my weapon, locked it away and I’m getting ready for dinner. I’m starving and looking forward to putting on my own clothes and taking a walk. It’s snowing outside and the temperature is mild.

It’s been an interesting week.

 

On Monday I was still tired from our pre-Cold Response mission, which apart from setting up a radio station included guarding and defending the area at night. It takes time to get back to normal after a week of minimum sleep. Also, the guy I’ve been seeing lately failed to get in touch on Valentines Day. Everyone else in the world remembered! Rude, I say. If not retarded...

 

Anyway, the week got better as I attended a class in half duplex signalling. It was a lot of fun pretending to be extremely serious about talking in a walkie-talkie.

 

Every time someone made a mistake on the radio, our instructor shouted “WRONG”! He then repeated the mistake and told the correct way to say it. The style is typical the Army and it sounded so silly I had to question it there and then. Luckily there was another instructor in the room who didn’t take it personally and basically explained it’s the pedagogic approach that military officers are taught. I never knew.

 

The lesson learnt was to say as little as possbile (over the radio) and the key to success is to finish each cryptic sentence with the word "OVER"...

 

Another lesson learnt is that it's not OK to spell out a word or name over the phone using "Lina" as a description for the letter "L" - it's meant to be "Ludvig". Turns out the Phonetic Alphabet in Sweden, is made up of all male first names.

Having finished my week with some 12 hours working days and Friday off, I’m ready for my next mission.

 

Click on the images to enlarge...

 

For the first time since I joined the Army 11 months ago, I've come back from a training mission with a smile on my face. I had more fun than anything else, and yes I do find it somewhat surprising. However, the training mission didn’t start too well on Monday. Whilst driving one of the heavy loaded trucks reaching 4,5meter above ground, my AK5 attached to the ceiling in the vehicle suddenly came off its lock, and crashed onto my shoulder. I screamed out in pain.

 

The fall of a fully loaded AK5 from about 70cm could have knocked me out – had it hit my head. My second driver was grateful I managed to stay on the road and remain calm. I didn’t have the time or energy to care about my shoulder until five days later after the mission. However, by then I was aching.

 

Hopefully the X-rays will give me some resolution tomorrow.

 

After a painful start, our training mission got better. We reached our destination on Monday evening and spent the next four days building and dissembling our radio tower and testing the transmission signal on a local FM frequency. I had spent the week ahead applying for a licence to broadcast and it was granted on the day of arrival.

 

Ahead of the mission I felt restless due to reluctance to participate. It’s a challenge both physically and mentally to be in duty for several days with no personal time or freedom. Someone will decide what is to be worn and carried out at each hour in the day and night. You have to transform yourself into an accepting robot, since you have no right to question an order. Lack of sleep and arctic weather makes it tough physically – apart from the ache in hands and fingers that comes from carrying a metal weapon in the cold.

 

On the second day, my fingers were so swollen I could hardly button my jacket.

 

The anxiety before my mission is universal though. Having spoken to my colleagues during the past week, pre-mission hours make everyone negative, reluctant, or restless – no matter if you’re a civilian or military soldier. Most of the time, soldiers just don’t tend to talk to each other about it.

 

Having spoken about it and heard that everyone else also felt negative prior to our mission, I no longer feel the need to justify or change my emotions ahead of an exercise. It’s normal to feel unwilling or unenthusiastic about giving up your freedom for a few days, especially when it’s something you’re not at all used to. Regarding the emotionally blocked people I wrote about last week – I might as well have been talking about myself.

 

Next time, I will bring on the tension and accept my anxiety and the fact that I don't have to be a super human woman in order to work in the Army.

The stress has started. I wasn’t sure if it would come this time, but the nervous energy has taken on its familiar grip. I keep registering each full hour and the sound of the clock ticking away whilst trying to study, yet conscious of my anxiety. I keep reading, focusing on the meaning of each word and sentence.

 

Only 20 more pages, then I will go to sleep – and the next four days away from home will fly by, surely. I will be fine on next week’s Psyops training mission.

 

Taking a break from my psychology studies, I start to write and words spoken by a friend earlier this week, enter my mind: “This is how a society penalizes criminals – people who deserve punishment”.

 

Think about this statement; to punish a criminal you strip a person naked and take all of his belongings away. You isolate him from his family, home and comforts. You send him away, where the rest of the world can’t see him – where he has no voice. You make him perform and obey. He is isolated, and has lost all that he was, including his freedom. He has become a slave, or a vulnerable puppet. This is how we punish criminals.

 

Why would any normal person join the Army and freely put himself through training missions and a life that is similar to a convict’s? And why am I doing it?

 

Aside from the questions, this thought of mine is a defence mechanism of course – comparing criminals with life in the Army. It’s an intellectualization of the situation I’m in, and an attempt to block the emotional tension, or stress concerning the coming five days at work. Which lead to my next conclusion, or question: Is this blog post merely an escape from anxiety – through the isolation of thought from accompanying emotion?

 

If such intellectualization is a common defence mechanism from anxiety, is the Army particularly attracting such a group of people - that for one reason or another has become emotionally blocked, or insensitive? People craving more intense external stimulation since they've become numb to more subtle stimuli, or ways of expressing themselves?

 

Is this why I am in the Army – to learn to deal with the emotional challenge that life and various people in the Army bring out of me? Am I pushing myself in this environment since it is making me uncomfortable and since I can’t stand experiencing the tension? Will I stay for as long as it lasts and until I have mastered it?

 

We have an intense period of several training missions ahead. This means I have the next two months to practise letting go of my freedom and learning to find peace in my mind, despite having my life controlled by others.

 

Inspired by the band with the same name, let’s just hope I won’t be Dead by April...

Having learnt about several unlawful arrests, 60% of refugees returned to their cities and that schools have again opened up in Libya, we had a somewhat quiet rest of the day in Luleå on Thursday. A psychologist went through various stress symptoms, which I could relate to, and that these normally disappear within two to four months. I then spent an hour at the gym followed by a couple of hours in group therapy, which is a standard procedure after a mission, as well as at a mission reunion.



It felt healthy to ventilate for a second time with my media and analyst colleagues – we have definitely bonded massively since the mission in Italy. Truth be told, I’ve never gotten so close to my contemporaries at work, as here in the Army. We’re all going through a unique situation being part of building a new military unit and adapting to a world much different to the civilian professional life we’re used to. It’s been a long time since I’ve had so much fun with colleagues and enjoyed spending time with work mates, and that includes our Psyops Group bosses. Despite being old militaries and essentially the heart of a bureaucratic boy’s club, we always have a laugh together.

The Luleå schedule was followed by a dinner with the Air Force and later drinks at the “Mäss” like the night before. I didn’t meet any pilots by the way – the closest I got was a 20 something year old, who spent seven months at Sigonella filling up the Swedish JAS 39 Gripen with petrol.

I also made a friend in the Air Force during lunch. He ended up showing me where the planes are being led. I had to put my mobiles and camera in a locker before entering the room where all flying traffic in Sweden can be viewed simultaneously. I was amazed by the large number of airplanes showing up as digit combinations on the system, and it wasn’t even rush traffic! The visit to the control room certainly added value to my trip up north.



Unfortunately I got to share my room with four party-loving Northerners who all dropped in at different hours in the night, severely disrupting my sleep. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to sharing my bedroom with more than one person.

I also discovered that the harsh Northern climate with its dry air and below zero temperatures completely dries up and ages the skin. I’ll make sure to invest in a rich cream in time for my next visit. However, next time I won’t be as part of Libya’s FL 02 group – after our final reunion at the Air Force base in Luleå this week – we no longer exist.

The plane landed smoothly tonight at Luleå airport. It’s so much snow here and not too cold, which instantly put me in a good mood.

The idea of spending two nights 725 kilometres north of Stockholm originally made me rebellious – it seemed like a waste of time, but as the date approached I just rolled with it. I even had a moment of appreciation on my way to the airport earlier since I am not in a situation where routine days and weeks is making my restless nature low. At least life in the Army offers variety...

I’m here with some colleagues in Psyops until Friday. We’re attending a final reunion with the Swedish Air Force, which we supported in Operation Unified Protector last year. I have a vague idea of what to expect, but will be informed of the full schedule tomorrow at 7.30am.

Having found my way to the lady’s barracks, I’ve just made my bed and is hitting the “Mäss” next – the military bar inside the regiment. It’s Wednesday and full of pilots, so I’m sure it will fly!

Failing that, my Army bed is looking very attractive...

I’m back at work after three eventful weeks on holiday from the Army. I’ve realised that a change in scenery is a must for any soldier’s sanity and I’ve come back feeling on top of the world, until today. Having worked an eleven hours day, mainly in the office, I’ve come home with a heavy head and light fever. It’s snowing outside and there’s a 15 degree difference from my time zone last week.

 

For the first time this week, I through myself on the coach as soon as I got in, I just about made it to the local grocery store beforehand and noticed that Enköping is pitch black and empty when the central shops shut.

 

There was a programme about women in Afghanistan on television tonight. Mainly filmed in Kabul, it is not the sort of environment I picture my colleagues placed in Afghanistan spending their time. Kabul is twice the size of Stockholm and has an international airport.

 

Only 10 percent of the women living in Afghanistan know how to read and write. According to the TV show, this is an effect of the 20 years of Taliban rule, forbidding women to go to school. Talibans continue to burn female schools, but they haven’t been in power since 2001, when US troops invaded Kabul on 7 October.

 

Despite of the power change, 90 percent of the women in Afghanistan today are abused in their homes. It's the world’s most dangerous country for a woman, and due to the domestic violence – a man in a tie is just as dangerous to a woman as a Taliban man.

 

Funnily enough, the Talibans used to be known as “freedom fighters" by Reagan’s anticommunist government in the 80s. Back then, the Talibans, or Mujahiddin groups, were fighting against the Soviet Union, who occupied Afghanistan in 1979. Several Mujahiddin groups were established with major support from the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, who favoured the most extreme of the Mujahiddin commanders – ensuring that the most fanatical groups were also the best trained and armed.

 

68 women were put in the Afghan parliament in 2001 as a symbolic gesture. Each day these women drive to work with two armed guards in their car – they live under constant security threat.

 

The life expectancy of a woman in Afghanistan is 44 years. She is often forced into marriage before the age of 16, sold, or traded for sheep, or opium. Many women are not allowed to leave their homes without their husbands, or covered in a burqa. Men may be free in Afghanistan. Women are not.

 

The journalist finished the TV programme by asking one Afghan woman if it hadn’t been more calm and safe in the country whilst the Talibans were in power – compared to the last ten years of war? The woman replied with grace, wisdom and strength:

 

“It’s peaceful in the cemetery, but do you see any life there?”

 

The first snow has finally arrived in Enköping!

 

As I left my house after the weekend, a cold breeze of fresh air greeted me on my doorstep. A completely white landscape had transformed the city over night. Instead of a dark morning, it looked like someone had switched on a deep baby blue lamp in the sky and sprinkled powder on top of everything and leaving some to float in the air. It was beautiful and very silent, apart from the squeaking noise from my boots.

 

Unfortunately the snow just missed our Christmas celebration at work. It was a full day with Christmas activities and I’m happy to say it didn’t involve any weapons, physical strains, staring at goats, etc. Instead we had everyone gathered in best uniform for a medal ceremony in the morning, where we applauded those who has served the Army for 25 years, or recently gotten back from a mission. A trumpet played a vigorous fanfare every now and then making sure people didn’t nod off during the annual recap-of-the-year-speech, amongst others.

 

The 20 mins break of drinking “glögg” was enjoyable, as well as the two hours Christmas lunch, despite the lack of traditional alcoholic beverages during and after the meal. I thought the fun would end there but as the sun set, we were driven to the church of Litslena, outside Enköping. Known for its medieval frescoes, the twelfth century church had a magically soothing effect and I felt like going to sleep in the wooden bench. I closed my eyes and listened to the choir and the hymns that stretched in sound between the stone walls.

 

Joining the Army hasn’t been what I expected. Strangely, it has been a huge challenge. Not professionally, but personally. Many times I have wondered if I am too individualistic to blend in as a soldier or within this government body. I didn’t expect to feel so robbed from personal choice, time and freedom, nor was I aware of how important these are to me. I’ve also been surprised at how little value my employer has put into individual skills this year. Then again, our main goal for 2012 is to learn to operate as a unit. To move, set up, produce and deliver psychological operations as a team – a big team.

 

Having broadcasted radio in the woods of Uppsala for five days, survived a week in the forest, completed five weeks of international soldier training, attended a Psyops course and a three weeks NATO course, served with FL02 in Italy and spent five weeks getting a truck license, none of which has been chosen by me: I’ve learnt to be patient this year.

 

In hindsight, it’s been good for me. I’ve been put in situations and had experiences I didn’t think existed and sometimes I wished they hadn’t! I’ve gained a lot of new perspectives on my life and I’ve met people I normally wouldn’t have met. Life is about balance and finding our own unique mix of things to blend, at different times in our lives. There are so many options available but they need to be felt to exist, it seems. The Army and Enköping have shown me the opposite side to the life I’m used to in London, yet it is still the same old life.

And it can always be made rich – in thought, creativity and love.

I haven’t felt inspired to write lately; the past couple of weeks have been more about survival, perseverance and patience. I’ve felt like I am going crazy at work.

 

A trail of thoughts started after meeting a five year old at a Christmas party in Stockholm last weekend. The young boy with long brown hair looked at me and said:

–You’re weird!

 

He eagerly awaited my reply, but all I could think about was the fact that he might be right, hence my lame reply; “No I’m not, you’re the one who is weird.” He instantly disagreed, obviously, and I refrained from starting a heavy discussion about it.

 

Having gone to work, changed into my green uniform and spent the past five weeks in a truck, I’ve lived the sort of Groundhog Day Bill Murray experienced in the film with the same name. The kid at the party had seen straight through me. I’ve been going bonkers lately and he is the only one who’s noticed.

 

I’ve never felt so much stress from doing nothing it seems. With no outlet for my creative energy at work, I’ve been climbing the walls in my flat, as well as at the gym.

 

During a technical class at motor school last week, I suddenly felt a shooting pain in my leg. An hour later, a nurse informed me that a small vein in my calf had broken. Just like that. The big and sore bruise has almost faded now. Still, it makes me wonder if my body is trying to make me realise something concerning the impact of the Army, which my mind can rise above.

 

The attitude in the military is to shut up and take the pain, the cold, or the boredom of monotony or intensity and ignore it, or take it like a man. When I’m cold and put clothes on, people ask what I will wear when it gets cold. That’s the attitude. It’s tough and dry. Shaken, not stirred.

 

I passed the driving test today. The license is mine. Despite having my veins exploding – it is finally mine.

 

It is possible that the kid in Stockholm took a quick look at my pink dress and newly dyed red hair, and thought weirdo! That’s the beauty with all people, you just never know - unless you ask them. It is also true that I do enjoy being in control of the wheels and planning my driving, I just hate being told where to go without a sensible explanation. And I prefer stirring things up, rather than taking it like a coward, or as they say in the Army: a man.

 

Tonight I’m celebrating with Bill. Groundhog Day is over.

It’s the last days of November and still no snow on the ground. Just a bit of frost met me on my way to work this morning.

 

I’ve had another day with number 13, or Clemens, as we have named our truck. It’s a brand new thing, as I upgraded the green truck the other week. Now I’m driving a grey Scandia spaceship! It’s the most expensive vehicle I’ve ever had – worth similar to a pimp studio flat in W11 – with seats that make me feel like a queen on the road.

 

The truck is my full time occupation right now, and it’s a rather weird feeling to go to work and do nothing but drive and learn about this heavy monster. From Monday afternoon to Friday lunchtime, it’s my 100% focal point. If all goes well I will know my pimp ride inside out in two weeks time and nail the C-license.

 

One negative thing about my current focus is the sitting down. I think I’m developing a short hip muscle as a consequence, and to prevent pain I’ve started standing up whenever I can. I’m sure the sitting down is a common problem for truck drivers. Also, when the iliopsoas muscle gets short, it can lead to lower back pain! Clearly no good. However, you can prevent this with hip stretching, or yoga.

 

If driving a truck were my full time job, the sitting down part and all the ‘greasy spoons’ along the road would kill me.

 

Thinking about it, perhaps there is an investment opportunity for a new food chain called ‘the healthy fork’ – for the new generation of truckers on the road, like me? It would serve raw food only and be associated with a gym, and it would play 80s rock music, which is great for truck driving and aerobics! People would stop by just to see the waiters - inspired by Madonna in her 'Hung Up' video.

 

Well, there is not much else to report from The Army.

For now, I’ll just keep driving.

After a week and a half of driving a truck, loading a truck, calculating the weight of a truck, backing and parking a truck, I’ve come to the conclusion that life is too simple in the seat of a truck. It’s been a tough realization.

 

Perhaps it would be different if I was taking passengers or being responsible for a certain load, but when learning how to drive and manage the vehicle, there is no such added function. I’m not saying that getting a truck licence is easy, however, I just don’t feel a huge amount of motivation for bagging one. Now when I think about it, nobody even asked if I wanted to get this licence – I was told to take it.

 

Well, I can’t just go with the flow any longer.

 

In the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling the November blues. And ever since getting back from Italy I’ve felt stressed too. Having had another bad night’s sleep with flu symptoms, I skipped driving this afternoon and went to the doctor’s. Having ventilated my situation and talked for over an hour I finally know why I’ve been feeling so stressed, (great doctor by the way).

 

It really is fundamental to feel heard and understood when thoughts grow too large for one head to handle. Do you feel needed and valued and appreciated? Not just at home, but also at work? For example: as a presenter on the radio you entertain and get immediate feedback from the audience. You may or may not always be appreciated, but you’ve filled a function and done a job that someone value, (since it’s still your show).

 

I’ve realized I don’t have a purpose at work at the moment. Plus, constantly being sent to courses is making me tired, and ever since Italy – I fill no unique function! Currently in the military, I just do what someone of a higher rang tells me to, and it’s getting old. Now I drive a truck. Once that’s done, I’ll be told to do something else – without consideration for my capacity, or my knowledge and skills.

 

Will I need to wait for a new mission to do my job again? What about my day job, now when NATO has decided it is peace in the world?

 

I want to make use of the time that passes by and never comes back again in a way that feel meaningful to me. Besides, I didn’t sign up to the Army to be a soldier. I signed up to be an executive producer of media. Unless I see some signs that I’ll be building a new media platform next year, I may hear London calling.

Today was a relaxing day at work. On the third day of learning how to drive a truck, it was time to go for a ride. The sun was low in the afternoon and the frost made the roads slippery, especially in the forest where the pine trees stand tall and closely packed.

 

So far we’ve been two on each truck but my driving partner was off sick today, so it was just my truck and I.

 

Whilst the sun was setting, number 13 and I must have made at least eight laps on the country road. The driving instructor came along for two of them – I was doing fine on my own.

 

Everything goes slow motion when driving a truck. You have to put the gears in slowly and remember to brake beforehand, otherwise it won’t work – the truck is too heavy to slow down for the correct gear to jump in. The corners are the best though. It’s an art to get the truck placed just right to not cut the lane on the opposite side. Plus, there is something very satisfactory about turning the massive steering wheel… I’m not sure why!

 

Life is simple and pretty beautiful in the seat of a truck.

 

My medal read: “For International Achievements”, in capital letters. And at the back: “OUP Libya, 2011”. I received my Army bling by the Supreme Commander, Sverker Göransson, in a ceremony at the Air Force base in Northern Sweden last week. Göransson is a four star General, which is the highest military officer in the country. Only the King of Sweden share the same rank.

 

I’ve been part of writing Swedish military history with Operation Unified Protector, which ended on 31 October. Historical since our pilots has flown in an International mission for the first time since Congo in the 1960s.

 

All together, psyops supported the mission with over 12 million leaflets dropped over Libya, as well as radio messages. Psychological operations in this respect, is a means to end a conflict without using weapons. It has also been called Psychological warfare. Probably since carefully crafted words can be viewed as ammunition... especially if they are fired off at analyzed targets (groups of people) to influence their behaviour.

 

If there is one thing I've realised since joining the Army, it is that the conflicts of the world today are too complex to think you've ever got the full picture to take a stand on what is right and wrong, good or bad. The more involved you get, the more often your mind will change standpoint - if it is so inclined.

 

Apart from picking up several bottles of wine and some ceramics, I also picked up the Italian flu on my back to Sweden. As a result, I’ve been spending my one-week holiday laid up in bed with a fever and sore throat. I also haven’t seen the sun for over a week, so I sense a challenge in keeping my energy levels up from now until March... Sweden is tough this time of year.

 

Well, at least I’m healthy enough to be back at work again. A new course is starting on Monday and over the next five weeks I'll be studying for a new driver's licence - for a heavy truck. Yes, I will be learning how to drive a truck. A big Swedish truck.

 

As I am starting to realise, life in the Army is very practical and the constant training is getting exhausting. By now, I was hoping to finish the Creative studio and start delivering some Swedish media projects. However, someone has decided I’m getting trained for bigger and better deals. The question is – am I up for it?

The Northern Swedish forest in midnight sun above has been taken at the Treehotel - more.

 

The thousands of raindrops were so light this morning they bounced as they touched the ground. I braved the wet and went for an hour’s walk amongst yellow leaves after a sleep in. I’ve been given the day off to pack. It’s time for Master Sergeant Angelina Håkansson to rotate back to Sweden – our mission Operation Unified Protector is completed.

 

As a last farewell, our Italian colleagues arranged a truly spectacular lunch buffet with lots of wine, cheeses and Southern desserts. It was wonderful to have everyone gathered and in such positive and light spirit. Perhaps it’s the Fragolino, laughs and intense few weeks absorbed, but I feel very emotional about leaving.

 

The past few weeks have been an amazing journey and a rich learning experience. I have truly adapted to Italy. But now it’s time to go. All things sooner or later come to an end, so it’s just the way it needs to be right now. But as this familiar door closes – several new ones are already opening... I feel very blessed.