The Army

 

The first snow has finally arrived in Enköping!

 

As I left my house after the weekend, a cold breeze of fresh air greeted me on my doorstep. A completely white landscape had transformed the city over night. Instead of a dark morning, it looked like someone had switched on a deep baby blue lamp in the sky and sprinkled powder on top of everything and leaving some to float in the air. It was beautiful and very silent, apart from the squeaking noise from my boots.

 

Unfortunately the snow just missed our Christmas celebration at work. It was a full day with Christmas activities and I’m happy to say it didn’t involve any weapons, physical strains, staring at goats, etc. Instead we had everyone gathered in best uniform for a medal ceremony in the morning, where we applauded those who has served the Army for 25 years, or recently gotten back from a mission. A trumpet played a vigorous fanfare every now and then making sure people didn’t nod off during the annual recap-of-the-year-speech, amongst others.

 

The 20 mins break of drinking “glögg” was enjoyable, as well as the two hours Christmas lunch, despite the lack of traditional alcoholic beverages during and after the meal. I thought the fun would end there but as the sun set, we were driven to the church of Litslena, outside Enköping. Known for its medieval frescoes, the twelfth century church had a magically soothing effect and I felt like going to sleep in the wooden bench. I closed my eyes and listened to the choir and the hymns that stretched in sound between the stone walls.

 

Joining the Army hasn’t been what I expected. Strangely, it has been a huge challenge. Not professionally, but personally. Many times I have wondered if I am too individualistic to blend in as a soldier or within this government body. I didn’t expect to feel so robbed from personal choice, time and freedom, nor was I aware of how important these are to me. I’ve also been surprised at how little value my employer has put into individual skills this year. Then again, our main goal for 2012 is to learn to operate as a unit. To move, set up, produce and deliver psychological operations as a team – a big team.

 

Having broadcasted radio in the woods of Uppsala for five days, survived a week in the forest, completed five weeks of international soldier training, attended a Psyops course and a three weeks NATO course, served with FL02 in Italy and spent five weeks getting a truck license, none of which has been chosen by me: I’ve learnt to be patient this year.

 

In hindsight, it’s been good for me. I’ve been put in situations and had experiences I didn’t think existed and sometimes I wished they hadn’t! I’ve gained a lot of new perspectives on my life and I’ve met people I normally wouldn’t have met. Life is about balance and finding our own unique mix of things to blend, at different times in our lives. There are so many options available but they need to be felt to exist, it seems. The Army and Enköping have shown me the opposite side to the life I’m used to in London, yet it is still the same old life.

And it can always be made rich – in thought, creativity and love.

I haven’t felt inspired to write lately; the past couple of weeks have been more about survival, perseverance and patience. I’ve felt like I am going crazy at work.

 

A trail of thoughts started after meeting a five year old at a Christmas party in Stockholm last weekend. The young boy with long brown hair looked at me and said:

–You’re weird!

 

He eagerly awaited my reply, but all I could think about was the fact that he might be right, hence my lame reply; “No I’m not, you’re the one who is weird.” He instantly disagreed, obviously, and I refrained from starting a heavy discussion about it.

 

Having gone to work, changed into my green uniform and spent the past five weeks in a truck, I’ve lived the sort of Groundhog Day Bill Murray experienced in the film with the same name. The kid at the party had seen straight through me. I’ve been going bonkers lately and he is the only one who’s noticed.

 

I’ve never felt so much stress from doing nothing it seems. With no outlet for my creative energy at work, I’ve been climbing the walls in my flat, as well as at the gym.

 

During a technical class at motor school last week, I suddenly felt a shooting pain in my leg. An hour later, a nurse informed me that a small vein in my calf had broken. Just like that. The big and sore bruise has almost faded now. Still, it makes me wonder if my body is trying to make me realise something concerning the impact of the Army, which my mind can rise above.

 

The attitude in the military is to shut up and take the pain, the cold, or the boredom of monotony or intensity and ignore it, or take it like a man. When I’m cold and put clothes on, people ask what I will wear when it gets cold. That’s the attitude. It’s tough and dry. Shaken, not stirred.

 

I passed the driving test today. The license is mine. Despite having my veins exploding – it is finally mine.

 

It is possible that the kid in Stockholm took a quick look at my pink dress and newly dyed red hair, and thought weirdo! That’s the beauty with all people, you just never know - unless you ask them. It is also true that I do enjoy being in control of the wheels and planning my driving, I just hate being told where to go without a sensible explanation. And I prefer stirring things up, rather than taking it like a coward, or as they say in the Army: a man.

 

Tonight I’m celebrating with Bill. Groundhog Day is over.

Yesterday Saint Lucy’s Day was celebrated in Sweden. It is said to be the longest night of the year and the story of Lucy, or ‘Lucia’, is beyond fascinating. Arriving at work at eight thirty in the morning, it was still close to pitch black outside, but I can’t say it was darker than normal.

Lucy was ordered to burn a sacrifice in honor of the Emperor. When she refused, she was sentenced to be put in a brothel to be defiled. Lucy is said to have replied:

“No one's body is polluted so as to endanger the soul if it has not pleased the mind. If you were to lift my hand to your idol and so make me offer against my will, I would still be guiltless in the sight of the true God, who judges according to the will and knows all things. If now, against my will, you cause me to be polluted, a twofold purity will be gloriously imputed to me. You cannot bend my will to your purpose; whatever you do to my body, that cannot happen to me.”

When the soldiers came to transport Lucy, the young woman was so filled with Holy Spirit that she had become quite immovable, heavy and stiff as a mountain. They were unable to drag her from her spot even when they tied her to a team of oxen. Since the soldiers could not move Lucy, they resolved to kill her on the spot.

She suffered her eyes being cut out and she was covered with oil and burned before her persecutors were able to kill her by sword.