The Army

My mum and grandmother came to visit from Saturday night to Sunday night. I must admit I was shattered after my first full week at work and the course in Stockholm and wasn’t the liveliest host on Saturday evening. Luckily they brought a TV so I could retire at 9pm.

We spent Sunday at a nearby IKEA, where I found a giant black chest of drawers and a bookcase. I also bumped into an old classmate from high school. “I thought you were living in London working in radio”, he said. I explained I have just moved back, now living in Enköping doing something similar. He replied “Oh, just less glamorous”. I agreed. He then had to run after his young daughter into the children area.

Don’t know what glamour he meant, but sure; you can get glamour in London. However, it never made my life feel any richer or happier.

By 10.30pm on Sunday I had put together the chest of drawers and emptied my last box of clothes. The room smelt of wood and dust from all the furniture, despite vacuuming. At half two in the morning, I woke up with an insane headache.

I took of sip from my glass of water and could feel pieces of wood dust going down my throat. I coughed and went into the bathroom to blow my nose.

The wood stank was so strong I pulled the mattress from the bed and decided to sleep on the living room floor. It was like my head was about to explode and I was thirsty. My head started to spin. I was alone. Is it possible to get poisoned from IKEA furniture? Has anyone ever died from breathing in too much wood dust?

You realize how alone you are when you start to worry about death in the middle of the night, and how pointless it is with no one else around.

At three o clock in the morning it became clear to me how much I’ve tried to suppress my experience in Peru eight months ago, when I nearly died from altitude sickness. I have nothing written in my diary from that day,

13 July 2010:

I had crossed two 5000 meters peaks that day and we hit a storm after the second one. The cold weather had come quickly and it was raining when we got to camp. It was the fifth day and we were half way through our hike of Alpamayo.

Our tents had been raised at 4000 meters on a big green, surrounded by white and grey mountains. The clouds were moving quickly and after dinner it was pitch black. Since my nose was blocked, I had kept my friend Rachela awake so she wanted to sleep in separate tents that night. For the first time on the hike, I went to bed alone.

Before going to sleep I swallowed two extra strong Vicks flu pills bought in America by my ex boyfriend. I woke up an hour later to realize I couldn’t breath. It reminded me of our relationship and I blocked out the immediate guilt from taking the pills…

I was struggling to open the tent in the pitch black. My head started to spin and I thought I was going to loose consciousness. Finally I crawled out and noticed the frost on the grass with my hands, but I couldn’t feel the cold. I needed to get closer to the other tents.

As soon as the change in temperature hit my body, I started to see white big flashes in the sky. It felt like electricity going through my brain causing a stir and a simultaneous flash in the horizon.

I could feel my blood pressure running out of my arms and legs and my body became heavy. I had no energy to carry on crawling, so I sat down.

With great effort I managed to form the guide’s name with my lips and yell; Abell!

It was such a clear night and I would normally enjoy the sight of so many bright stars and planets. This time however, I had no idea what I was doing or why I was sitting alone on a mountain in Peru.

I thought that would be my last night in this life. And I hated the fact that I would die alone without having experienced what's really worth living for. It became so clear to me that night, and it gave me hope and it kept me fighting. Love.