The Army

I wasn’t as deep into the rat race as many other people in London. I was highly creative producing content for the music and entertainment industry. It was a challenging and competitive business and I had to develop new skills, but it was rewarding, as I was following my passion. I was true to myself.

It’s easy to get caught up in the wrong values obviously, because fame, money and power have been dominating our society and most cities for some time now - probably since the birth of Capitalism.

When it comes to money, it’s true that there is freedom in having a bit of cash, but only as long as you know how much cash you need. That’s how you put a limit to your desire of wanting more. If you don’t really need more cash, then why chase them?

People are weak and easily manipulated by the media that want us to consume to make the rich richer. So these external means of measuring ourselves in society: money, fame and power – is still what the majority of people are selling their souls for.

My ex boyfriend was seriously trapped and caught up in the rat race. It’s only just daunted on me – despite writing an entire introduction piece about the rat race – I wasn’t really that deep into it myself! However, I did experience it to the max and I suffered all the negative consequences from the rat race by being with a person, who prioritized his work over me.

For nearly two years, I was in a battle I couldn’t win. As stressful as it sounds, it was always a matter of time before I’d loose my boyfriend’s presence to either planning or running to a meeting, “work” dinner, checking emails on the blackberry, or waiting for a conference call – even on holidays.

We did travel together, but it was always weekends away, never a longer break. Apart from once when we spent a week in a city, that was a combined work trip. However, I didn’t know about the work bit until we arrived. So I was by the pool on my own, dropped off at the museum to explore on my own, and spent a day with people I’d never met before. A bit like “Lost in Translation” but without the marriage, and I never met the funny bold guy. I even came along to two of his meetings, since I didn’t want to be on my own anymore. I was allowed at those two… I was such a good little puppy.

The difference from having a partner in the rat race and actually being in the race, is that as a partner you don’t “benefit” from the time invested into work. As a partner you don’t earn a higher status in your career and you don’t reap the benefit from a large bonus from working so hard in the last fiscal year. Instead, you get limited time and presence from your partner as well as the stress he is ventilating. Add to this a huge amount of insecurity and worry, since you’re never prioritized.

The relationship was ruled from one person’s calendar only, and if I had started to use mine in the same selfish way – I knew the relationship would be over. Besides, when I meet someone I like, what can be more important than spending time with that person?

Talking about it always led to arguments as it threatened his ego and wish to be a good boyfriend. So I couldn’t express myself freely and when I did, I wasn’t heard. Although trying to express his preferred way, it didn’t make a difference.

I was helping him to grow his career responsibilities by being his emotional support crutch and source of calm. At the time, I really needed his support. However, the pressure of my need became too much for him.

What do you do when you love someone, but you don’t feel safe, connected and relaxed with that person? I was trying to figure that out for the duration of our relationship. I was absorbed by it and in the end I was drained by it. Drained and depressed – mainly from giving myself the blame of my negative feelings and not succeeding in convincing myself I was loved and protected.

When eventually splitting up with him, I ended up without the boyfriend I loved, and looking back at the relationship none of it seemed happy or fun. For a year afterwards, I was angry – primarily with myself. Then I had a short period of feeling sorry for him. Then I realized it’s about time he grows up and start to take responsibility for his spoilt actions and learn to fight for what he believes in, like the rest of us – if it ever becomes clear...

When I left London for Stockholm last year, I wasn’t removing myself from the rat race. The rat race can be found and created anywhere. I removed myself to get the support I needed at the time. Without being conscious of it – I also protected myself from the environment of my relationship. Stockholm became my shield from not being heard and accepted. The new situation away from all that I knew in London, challenged me to build a place of understanding and love for myself, and it slowly removed the hope that those would ever come from my boyfriend.

The rat race had become his comfort zone. It allowed him to feel successful, important and admired by his family and friends. Nobody apart from me saw the ugly side; the egocentric shadow the race casts. I believe my friends did, as he had a self-centred way about him, with little interest for other people, unless they were business people or could prove useful in some way... Deep down it’s also how I felt; He just didn’t have the time to take an interest in my life or the emotional capacity to understand me.

It’s perhaps not all because of the rat race – some people are just egocentric and have been brought up to think they’re the shit by parents or culture. I know now that those people offer me little happiness, friendship and love. And if they seem to shine – it’s only on the outside.

There’s really nothing I can do about all this but learn from it and move on. Plus, the experience has taught me what qualities I really adore, which makes me appreciate my beautiful friends and family all the more.