The Army

From having shared a room with seven other women and men last week, I’ve currently got a hotel room with a patio to myself. I’ve flown down to Skåne, in southern Sweden, to attend a week long course in psychological operations.

Apart from studying from eight in the morning to eight at night – it feels like a holiday. The hotel is located right by the sea in a beautiful setting. I still have to wear my uniform tough, as psyops is a military course. We even raise the flag each morning during a short ceremony with music played out in the background. It must look odd.

Despite the speed of the course, I’m doing well after a couple of early nights. Plus, today we had the afternoon off and I’ve just come back from sunbathing at Skanör, where the picture is from. The beach has incredibly soft and white sand and there’s a lovely harbor with sailing boats too. I had no sunblock on for a couple of hours, so I now have a permanent white bikini on... I’ve even got the bow on my back. Typical.

Since I started my job in March, there’s been a lot of new information and skills to learn, and I am looking forward to a break to digest it all. Lately, I’ve felt very privileged and grateful for the top education and opportunity to learn and refine my skills – I’ve never experienced that in a job before.

However, I have also started to contemplate what the army will expect back and the risks that come with my job and a potential foreign position. It’s not always an easy thing to realize, especially when you’re in a formerly neutral country like Sweden.

Luckily it happens rarely, but sometimes I can experience a painful attack of remorse – like I’ve made a mistake. When the pain goes away by acceptance, there’s relief - not because the pain has faded, but since I've come closer to what I wish for and the realization that I can make it come true. There’s also comfort in a Chinese proverb that kicked off my psyops course this week. It may have sparked my thought above and is taken from Taoism. It reads:

“The journey is the reward”

For three days now we’ve been practising combat fighting with loose ammunition. In other words: we’ve been shooting at each other. At the start of the week I already knew how to attack and retreat together with my combat partner. He’s a doctor from Gothenburg and we get on like a house on fire. This week, however, we started applying the techniques we’ve been practising as a pair, together with a group, and with loaded weapons.

There are a number of strategies that can be used in combat depending on the enemy, terrain and the condition of the group. Although you can learn it all in theory, it really has to be put into practise, practise, practise… Once the adrenaline or stress of a situation set in, it’s impossible to predict the behaviour of a group.

Combat really is a whole ballgame with a large set of commands and signs, and with an unpredictable variable; the enemy. As with most things in life, to truly understand it you have to be exposed to it, and then learn from your mistakes and quickly rectify.

Yesterday we added injured to the scenario and learnt how to deal with wounded and get them safe whilst retreating or finding cover. It’s all very structured, but mentally demanding – especially for the group leader, who pulls all the strings. Not to mention; physically tough. Try dragging a 90 kg soldier whilst trying to run! No wonder my back is aching today.

One person actually passed out in exhaustion during battle and had to be rushed to hospital as he was hyperventilating and shaking. It’s the second person to go down this week. I was a little taken aback by the whole thing, as I’ve never helped out as a nurse before and I probably got more emotionally involved than a real nurse would :-) It was a good experience and it also made me realize that although I am feeling exhausted, I am actually doing extremely well.

We’ve also learnt about Chemical, Biological, Radiological and Nuclear weapons this week, their devastating effects, antidotes and history. Pretty much all of them are illegal in battle, unless you use them as a smoke screen to escape, e.g. white phosphorus.

To add to all the physical work, we started the day with running 2 km in full combat clothing and weapons this morning. It was our last physical test. 

I’m actually still at the military base in Stockholm. We’ve just come back from a big pizza dinner and are getting ready for a weekend of army practise. I can’t believe we only have six more days to go! The past four weeks really has flown by. A friend told me on the phone today that I am starting to use the same vocabulary as a military person. Hahaha… I like that. As well as becoming fighting fit!

I’ve been a zombie this weekend. I still have a light headache – it was torturous yesterday – probably from lack of sleep. I actually don’t know if I have ever pushed myself this hard mentally and physically at the same time before.

 

By now, I’ve gotten used to the constant feeling of tiredness. Hence feeling like a zombie but strangely acting like a professional athlete! Or a Duracell bunny...

 

My body is definitely under stress and is producing a high amount of adrenaline and cortisone at the moment. The hormones is a response to the stressful training and drilling in the army, and it’s making it hard to wind down at weekends as well as getting a restful night’s sleep – also during the weeks.

 

What’s nice is that we’re all in the same boat – all of us attending the military programme. Most of us are doctors and nurses getting ready to go to Afghanistan. That’s why we’re drilled this way. To act like soldiers, think and behave like soldiers – and blend in with the rest. An outsider is a hot target and you don’t want to reveal your purpose.

 

We’ve spent this week on the shooting field and fighting in the woods. It’s crazy what my new skills are actually about. Not sure how to express I can now quickly take out the target standing up, kneeing or laying down from 30, 50 and 100 meters.

 

We have also done our first walking session with full equipment, including helmets, backpack and the AK5 hanging off our necks. It was a beautiful evening, the sun low and the green fields completely still. Swedish summers are magic. We sang all the way back to the base – repeating the First Sergeant’s verse.

 

Although I hardly have time for my own thoughts, several realizations run through my mind, usually before falling asleep or in the middle of the night.

 

To be honest – the army is pretty uncomfortable. I don’t like wearing warm and heavy gear in the middle of summer, or equipment that hurt, throwing myself to the ground, getting bruised arms and knees, becoming dirty and tired and being bitten by hostile swarms of mosquitoes every time I sit down to pee! It’s tough. It’s uncomfortable and I rather do something else.

 

However, I have quickly gotten used to it all, and I am also learning something new every single day. And learning is the antidote to stagnation. There is no growth, or expansion of possibilities even within a comfort zone – that’s probably why I am secretly enjoying the challenge of Boot Camp.

 

Another big reason is the people; I’ve made a lot of new friends. Life in the army is all about the group and never an individual initiative alone. It’s definitely a unique experience and we’re also training and learning for a real reason. Although the situations we practise may feel surreal now - it’s life as usual in a war zone, and it’s where most of us are going.

 

 

This morning I woke up by the sound of iron beds and lockers being pulled out from the walls. The sound from the heavy iron scraping the stone floor set the tune of a new day in the army.

 

I once read that life is a dream and my life is so surreal at the moment, it’s an easy thing to believe.

 

At six thirty in the morning, I make my bed and get dressed. After a quick look in my locker, I take out the same outfit as yesterday – the green uniform. Before stepping outside I put on the cap and walk to the kitchen building across the field.

 

By seven fifteen, I have finished my breakfast and done the washing up and walk back to attend morning exercise. We line up on two rows in the corridor a few minutes before seven thirty. Once the officer arrives, we spend 25mins building back, bum and tummy as instructed. The purpose with the exercise is to avoid injuries later on in the day.

 

What happens from eight o'clock onwards is a 12 hours marathon of both indoor but mainly outdoor training and activities. This week I learnt about health care in a sensitive area; we practised an emergency situation – how to handle an accident with wounded, the importance of hygiene and various hospital set-ups and procedures.

 

For the first time ever, I have also shot sharp at a target with my AK5. Having spent a week getting familiar with the weapon – how to handle it and load it – we’re pretty good buddies now. The rush of adrenaline from pulling the trigger is something I haven’t felt since going live on the air, or acting in front of the camera. It could easily become an addictive sport.

 

I shower close to ten in the evening and fall asleep straight after. Luckily, nobody snore in my room, or perhaps I am so tired I don’t hear them. I usually wake up a few times in the night by people leaving and entering the room, or sleep talking.

 

Seven hours later, I do it all over again.