The Army

I’ve gone off to have a pizza on my own. It’s been a tough day, and it finished with having news about a death in the family – a hard day then and on many levels.

We’ve been away for several days now, either on the road or in combat training – or force integration training as it’s also called. People in the team are getting tired, agitated and emotional in general and today it was particularly noticeable. Personally I felt so weak this morning I struggled getting my rucksack up the stepladder and into the truck. I wanted to scream, cry or just walk out and give up. My eyes were hurting and I started thinking I must be sick. Lots of people have started showing flu symptoms and I’m sharing a room with 12 others. It’s difficult to wake up rested on top of a narrow bunk bed, and I keep waking up with my duvet on the floor.

Doing these types of exercises is hard physically as well as psychologically. Each day I am learning and performing and being evaluated. After each exercise I am asked to do it again and again and improve myself, or the team effort. At all hours I am listening, learning, focusing and delivering. And I take it seriously. I get up at six every morning to have an early breakfast that I have bought and cooked myself, I change into my full army combat clothing and shortly afterwards I am outside ready to pick up my weapon. My lunch comes in a green bag outdoors that I cook by stirring in hot water and letting it swell for ten minutes. Late at night when the day is over, I have a shower - it’s the only time of the day that I have to myself. When standing in the white tiled room there is only myself and the sound and feel of the hot water running down the drain. The sound of the water, that’s usually all that I think about at the end of the day.

On this mission, I’ve taken on the responsibility of the Radio Group. I gather information to brief and instruct, however sometimes the information isn’t delivered, or it’s delivered straight to the group, which make me feel surplus at times. I can’t do anything about it, rather than address it afterwards. One of the guys in the group took out his anger on me today for not doing a good enough job, and although I knew he was on edge and upset at someone else, I still felt it – the upset. Yet, I acknowledged the critique aimed at me, and said that although I see the situation from a different perspective I’ll take onboard the comments and continue my responsibility the best I can.

Looking back at the training today: As I stood in the snow with my weapon aimed in the direction of a potential enemy, I remembered how I used to play in the woods as a child. I used to invent a pretence scenario or a fantasy role-play that I got so into, I started believing it was for real. I had the same feeling today. We were searching for mines in the snow, rolling our vehicles out of an infected area, protecting our camp and whilst looking for an enemy and signalling to the post nearby - the situation felt just as real as when playing in the woods as a six year old.

This job may feel like a fucking waste of time sometimes, but when I have to perform and deliver, no matter what it is – I’ll take it seriously. Even when standing on a snowy hilltop looking at nothing but a bunch of pine trees, that’s what I’ll always remember. It’s been a tough day but I did my best and I’m proud of that.