The Army

 

Today has been an eventful day. This morning I finished writing an article, which will soon be published on the Swedish Military Defence website. It’s something I’ve been putting together to raise awareness of the CULAD, or Cultural Advisor position at work.

I also passed a test in the Psychology university course I am taking. I did it over the Internet and scored 100%!

I’ve been studying at every spare opportunity in Italy, so tonight I will celebrate... In a couple of hours I’m off for Spritz with an Italian girlfriend, and then we’re meeting up with everyone at a pizza restaurant. Pizza is never served at lunchtime in Italy, since it’s a typical social dish that you’re meant to share with many friends over dinner.

Lunch on the other hand always consist of a primi and secondi piatto with wine. The primi plate is a pasta dish with Parmigiano. The secondi dish is bread, meat and vegetables with a salad afterwards, plus fruit for dessert – at least at the regiment’s 'mensa truppa'.

I didn’t even like pasta before moving to Italy. Now lunch doesn’t seem complete without it.

I also find it very difficult to resist a cup of coffee here. My favourite start of the day is a cappuccino or small latte macchiato at a coffee bar on standing foot with something sweet on the side. The porridge will have to wait until I am back in Sweden! :-) 

As the train pulled into the station after a weekend away, it surprised me how nice it felt to get "home" on Sunday night.

I’ve grown to really appreciate this place and what it represents.

In less than three weeks the stone gates that surrounds the regiment has become more welcoming and caring of who’s within. Each day the area is filled with uniforms and ranks, but most of all: personalities, equals and friends.

My perception of the regiment has transformed with the weather. In the past week the temperature in Italy has dropped. The nights and mornings are cold but the sun keeps the days bright and with clear blue skies.

After work on Monday I wrapped myself in a leather jacket and went for a walk through town. I photographed, admired some Italian shoes, communicated with several shop assistants – none who spoke English, and stopped to say hello to three friends on my way.

After picking up some food I finished the day by watching Top Gun in bed. I wonder how many grew up inspired to join the Air Force after it was released. I never saw it back in 1986, but for some reason I still wanted to join the Air Force as a kid!

I have now been in Italy for two weeks and so far I’ve had two days off from work. As soon as Friday came to an end, I rolled my suitcase through the picturesque cobble street city and checked in to a comfortable hotel on the beach.

It was just what I needed: A relaxing break from all it means to live and work behind closed gates.

It must be difficult to understand, I’m sure, what it means to be a military on mission and the pressures it puts on an individual. I believe that conforming to the military world during a mission, is even more challenging if you’re a civilian, with a civilian background. I can’t compare going to Italy with Afghanistan or Congo, obviously, but I’ve had a taste of what it means to give up your freedom, personal choice and sense of belonging.

As a civilian, your identity hasn’t been shaped by the military from an early age, or “sensitive period”, during which certain experiences from the army will make you develop into a soldier. So, no matter how hard the military tries to make a civilian conform to the military world, the critical period has long expired for him or her to ever identify as a soldier – unless the person is highly motivated to join the army of course.

But in that case, wouldn’t they do just that, instead of taking on a civilian role?

The army makes no exceptions for a civilian specialist, and behind the gates of the regiment you’re a soldier like everyone else – although your work is very different.

According to a fellow NATO colleague’s observations here in Italy: Journalists is the group of civilians that has the hardest time adapting to the army. A journalist is more individualistic than group-oriented, in their thinking. They find the uniform way of behaving and dressing, miles away from their usual way of life and expression. Presumably journalists also find it hard to comply with the hierarchical system the military promotes.

Once you put on your uniform you loose your normal sense of freedom and individual choice – you now belong to a group. For the group to function as a unit, you need to act and think as a group and only take directions from one person, someone with a higher rank, or responsibility greater than your own. Otherwise, nothing in the army would work!

Think about it… Even as civilians we have all conformed to our culture or work place one way or another. Otherwise, we’d be standing outside of society. We wouldn’t fit it – like poor artists, crazy people, or misunderstood geniuses?

Throughout history, there is proof of humans going to great lengths to fit in.

Belonging to the military is a new world for any civilian to try and adapt to. And living and working behind walls cut off from the rest of society, with guarded gates, rules and unified clothing. It can cause nothing but an imprisoned feeling. No matter where in the world you are.

I’ve now been in Italy for a week. My Italian colleagues are very warm, friendly, relaxed and reliable. They’re genuinely keen on making me feel comfortable and seem to take every opportunity to make us feel at home.

I went to the physiotherapist yesterday for a 30mins massage during lunch. When I came back the whole team was asking about my neck and if I was feeling better, and if the treatment was what I had in mind. I was even escorted to my appointment. There is no doubt the Italians knows the concept of giving and taking and it’s in their nature to look after one anther. I suppose what goes comes around, like karma.

Breakfast here is strong coffee. I’ve already developed an addiction to café macchiato in the mornings, and it completely clears my nostrils. The caffeine high last all day, and I’m experiencing an enhanced oxygen intake from just one shot. It’s quite a rush for a standard herbal tea drinker. The drink combined with small talk around the coffee machine is the best way to get to know our Italian friends.

I’m already accustomed to a steep learning curve in the military – this International peace support mission is no different. However, at last I am in an environment where my creative skills and passion for communication is translated into real products. And it’s appreciated.

OK, better dash. I've been invited for dinner at my colleague and his wife’s house, and need to pick up a nice bottle of red on my way!

Click to enlarge.

After my first day’s work in Italy, I took a long walk through the city and eventually reached the beachfront. The soft, warm colours reminded me of Rome on my last visit. As I was enjoying the sun go down, I could sense the gaze of an old man on a bicycle.

Having sat down for a while I decided to start walking again, this time on the beach. I met people exercising, walking their dogs and soon spotted a fishing boat being pulled through the shallow waters. An elderly fisherman was waiting for the boat to reach shore and he had his eyes fixed on me. He kept staring until I had passed him. For the second time in less than five minutes, it struck me: What’s going on with the older men in this town?

I continued taking photographs and eventually made my way back through a parallel road to the beachfront promenade. Guess who suddenly pulls up on a bicycle and says “Ciao” with boyish smile on his face? Oh yes, it was the first old dude. Well, hello there to you too, as it means repeating the phrase. After realizing I speak only English and no Italian, he biked off.

A frustrating question popped up in my head: Did he honestly think I’d be interested – and in what exactly? For the third time: What’s wrong with the older men in this town!? Or do they all think they’re Silvio Berlusconi and I am nothing but candy on a stick walking by?

My theory got a new turn the next day. According to my Swedish friend, who has lived in the area, there are a lot of hookers working the coastline. They come from the Eastern block or Russia, have blond hair and tend to dress fairly normal.

Jesus. That’s even worse... The idea made me cry out loud! That means I can’t go out on the streets alone. I’d even rather be disrespected and viewed as candy on a stick – than approached as a prostitute. Well, screw the old men (or not!) Tonight I am putting on my best dress and meeting up with some friends at a bar. Anyone approaching me will get a snooty primadonna reply with Russian accent: NIET – up yours!

This morning, after a late dinner and party last night, we finally received our diplomas for completing the Partnership for Peace Staff Officer Course.

It was a formal ceremony in best uniform - the blue one with fancy hat. I was a bit nervous having to walk up and get my diploma and make a hand salute for the first time in front of an audience. I felt so happy afterwards though.

We then enjoyed some live music played by our own private band :-)

Funnily enough they finished with Abba's Gimme! Gimmi! Gimmi! It sounded great with all the wind instruments and drums.

Woohoo! I’ve just completed my NATO course. The past three weeks has been brilliant but right now I’m happy to be back in Enköping again. I’ve figured that as long as I am challenged and stimulated at work, I can live in a small city – at least for now.

The course has been incredibly intense with 12hour days and lots of social weekend activities. I’ve met so many great guys – and one great woman... we were only two women on the course. All international staff attending the course was either Majors or Captains with long and varied military backgrounds. It was fun with so many different uniforms gathered under one roof.

Since my Psyops colleague and I were the only civilians on the course, I’ve learnt a huge amount especially about tactical warfare.

Perhaps it sounds like a contradiction to mention warfare when the course was all about planning a peace support operation. But to carry out a peace support mission, you need to understand tactical warfare in order to predict, plan and counterbalance threats to the operation.

Aside from planning and presenting a fictional peace support operation practically, and learning about the NATO history, structure and interaction between different branches, I’m happy to also have gained knowledge about partnership organisations involved in a PSO.

Some of the guest lecturers really inspired me, particularly the UNHCR rep. who talked about UN's work for refugees around the world, but also the Dutch lawyer who discussed humanitarian law and the legal aspect of a peace support operation. It fascinates me how one detail can change the entire situation from legal to illegal, or reversed, and learning how to interpret the law.

We also spent a day getting media training, which was great fun as I got to play the Commander of the Multi National Brigade at the end of the day. According to the former spokesperson of Pentagon I did an excellent job during the press conference. The cultural differences lecture was also exciting and I would have loved to hear more about how subjectively we view the world because of our selective perception, interpretation and judgement!

Remember: A culture is a system of support for interpretation, understanding and communication. Nothing more and nothing less... In other words, don’t excuse or blame behaviours – on culture.

Like a full circle, the mind must be empty, yet complete...

Having finished my course last night, I decided to go for a run in the lit forest track. Afterwards, just as I had entered the military gates and approached the hotel, I passed a soldier jogging with his gasmask on. It made me think of all things extreme.

I have to admit I’ve always been drawn to the extreme. But I think I’ve become better at choosing amongst the various extreme options out there. Reflecting over this selection ability – it may have developed over time and thanks to a maturity process, as well as the hard way; from learning through painful and often repetitive mistakes. 

A life can be threatened both physically and emotionally by a situation, however my ability to choose also includes a more careful consideration of relationships. These days I am finding myself planning ahead more patiently and in line with a higher purpose, belief or meaning.

Also, I don’t have a wish to challenge myself to a degree where an extreme situation or experience may harm me, or threaten my life.

For instance, I turned down going to Afghanistan twice this summer. 

I only had the benefit to contemplate on my verdict, since the offers were presented as a choice. In the end, my decision was based on the timing of the missions, but another reason may have been the instinct to protect myself. Age has definitely improved the instinct to protect what is ‘me’, which can only imply that I am finally forming a harmonious and accepting relationship with myself.

And what relationship could be more important to spend time improving and nurturing? If we can’t live in peace with our self – then who will stand a chance? Perhaps the conflicts and wars of the world today between people and nations, is in fact just an internal one, in disguise. We simply haven’t had the courage to face yet the greatest enemy of them all:

Our selves.

Oh. My. God. I have just killed my first cockroach. And hopefully last too! It was crawling in a drawer with clothes that I’d unpacked three days ago. I know it was a cockroach because it had two big tentacles from his head. Although I wasn’t sure, I must have seen it this morning too...

Having had a long shower, which also made me a few minutes late for breakfast, I left the bathroom door open and got dressed. Before leaving, I quickly grabbed my military cap on top of the chest of drawers opposite the bathroom. I was in a hurry but definitely saw something big and brown crawling across the wooden surface. Perhaps a huge fly without wings, or could it have been a cockroach?? Surely not. I don’t even know how I cockroach look. Besides, I’m in Sweden!

Anyway, during a quick break at my course, I went to speak with the hotel reception. I didn’t know if it was a cockroach I had seen. Also, I've actively been avoiding the temptation to assume... since it might put a reaction and unnecessary actions into play. A dear friend once told me: "to assume – will make an ass out of you”. It’s a silly play on words but I liked it.

On the other hand – when you plan a war or peace operation: You have to assume. Amongst many things, you always work with facts and assumptions when planning an operation.

“Planning involves projecting our thoughts forward in time and space to influence events before they occur rather than merely responding to events as they occur. This means contemplating and evaluating potential decisions and actions in advance. But! No battle plan survives the first contact with the enemy." Graf von Moltke

Well, I was determined to win the battle against the uninvited guest near my bathroom at first attempt, and change room as quickly as possible. So I told the hotel reception I had seen a cockroach in my room. It had come out after I showered – probably attracted out of his hiding place because of the steam. Yes. I nodded when they asked – it definitely had two tentacles. And yes please, I’d really like to change room and have the unpleasant event investigated. The hotel reception was sympathetic and would deal with it but unfortunately they didn’t have any other rooms until tomorrow.

So here I am. Newly showered in my hotel room and close to a flat cockroach underneath a heavy book on the floor. I’ll finish the mission with sending in the hotel staff in the morning and telling them to clean up. There’s no way I am lifting the book tonight, when there’s no hotel staff available. And thanks to my confident assumption earlier today – the hotel reception won’t be too surprised in the morning.

Of course, if this was a real war or peace operation I was talking about – I would have had more than one assumption thrown into the planning process, I’d also have some facts and several courses of actions as a result. All according to what will serve my own interests the best, obviously.

Ever since the meeting with our new boss this week, i've been super excited about my work and being part of building a new division for the Swedish Army. I have a positive view on the direction the boss want to steer things, and was inspired by his enthusiasm and high ambition for the Psyops Unit. The time is perfect for a leader to set a strong vision. Also, it wasn’t a day too late to gather everyone and have a forum for answers and questions, as we now steer into a new chapter as a team.

All happy at work then?

I’ve also been feeling excited about the Stab's Officer Course that my work is sending me to. Over the next three week’s I’ll be attending an international course about NATO's work methods and planning procedures. It will be fun to meet new international friends whilst gaining new skills. However, the next three weeks will be planned to the minute!

On top of work, my university course in Psychology is starting this week and there’s a pile of books to be read. I’m motivated to study and I am grateful to gain so much new knowledge at work too. Yet, all weekend I've felt that something is missing.

There is so much I want to do right now and only so much time... Is this really the path I want to embark on? Is this the right journey for me to pursue?

I feel my life has been turned completely up side down since I moved to Sweden, yet it’s strangely familiar and connected with my past. Having spent 10 years living in a multimillion people city must have shaped me as a person. A lot more than I have known before. My current lifestyle still feels like an experiment. I’ve embraced the differences, but I need to say it – my new hometown is limited! As lovely and picturesque as Enköping is, I can’t see myself living here long-term. Sooner or later I will need to make a decision of where I rather live. Or?

To be continued...

I’ve had a lot of compliments at work today. It’s the result of wearing my blue uniform, M87, for the first time. The complete clothing has finally arrived and includes a short-sleeved white shirt, two long-sleeved white shirts, a suit jacket, rain coat, two blue trousers and a skirt. Plus a black tie, belt and hat.

It arrived at a perfect time. Having spent the spring and early summer in boot camp - to achieve the standard international soldier training – I am back in my most familiar environment: The office.

It goes without saying, but after spring’s challenges I am fully enjoying the comforts of my office, and the M87 feels like an early Christmas present. Having tried the blue uniform, someone will have to force me to put on the big, green, forest look-alike garments again!

We also have a new boss and I sense there will be some changes... The former Psyops boss was great and I hope you had a chance to listen to his explanation of psyops in the post: "A break from The Army". Anyhow, to save myself from unnecessary stress due to ongoing speculations about changes at work, I’ve decided to speak my mind and practise observation.

First work week done after my holiday. It was such a well-needed break. Naturally it went by super fast.

It’s Friday night and I’m having a drink in my flat. The balcony door is open and the sound of playing children in the courtyard comes in with a colder breeze that hints the summer is nearly gone. I’m considering bringing in my olive tree over night, just in case the cold will damage it.

A few candles are lit in my living room and I’ve just finished painting a wooden sofa chair. It’s the fourth time I’m painting it now. So far it’s been soft yellow, bright yellow and now white. It probably needs another layer. I’ve also bought enough paint to do my sideboard in the hallway. After the painting I will be done decorating my flat. Once it’s all completed I will through a big moving in party!

I’ve found a fantastic floor lamp that I’d like to order for the living room, it’s called Illusion and I really like the design. My favourite is the one with the people biking.

Talking about bikes, I've managed to get myself one. After spending a small fortune on furnishing my flat in the summer, it really made my week... A nice man in the service department at work found it. It's an old military bike, but recently done up by the last troop of obligatory soldiers. It’s heavy, without any gears and has an interesting box below the saddle, where some tools and a air pump fit perfectly. I love it.

Having left my bicycle in my aunt’s garage in London - I’m now riding the military bike to and from work each day. At seven o‘clock this morning, there was no traffic – just the sound from the thick bicycle wheels rolling over the cobblestones.  At that moment, I couldn’t be further from London, or any big city for that matter.

Right; since I am on holiday I am also taking a break from The Army.

However, some of my colleagues are not:

Please check back in August.

From having shared a room with seven other women and men last week, I’ve currently got a hotel room with a patio to myself. I’ve flown down to Skåne, in southern Sweden, to attend a week long course in psychological operations.

Apart from studying from eight in the morning to eight at night – it feels like a holiday. The hotel is located right by the sea in a beautiful setting. I still have to wear my uniform tough, as psyops is a military course. We even raise the flag each morning during a short ceremony with music played out in the background. It must look odd.

Despite the speed of the course, I’m doing well after a couple of early nights. Plus, today we had the afternoon off and I’ve just come back from sunbathing at Skanör, where the picture is from. The beach has incredibly soft and white sand and there’s a lovely harbor with sailing boats too. I had no sunblock on for a couple of hours, so I now have a permanent white bikini on... I’ve even got the bow on my back. Typical.

Since I started my job in March, there’s been a lot of new information and skills to learn, and I am looking forward to a break to digest it all. Lately, I’ve felt very privileged and grateful for the top education and opportunity to learn and refine my skills – I’ve never experienced that in a job before.

However, I have also started to contemplate what the army will expect back and the risks that come with my job and a potential foreign position. It’s not always an easy thing to realize, especially when you’re in a formerly neutral country like Sweden.

Luckily it happens rarely, but sometimes I can experience a painful attack of remorse – like I’ve made a mistake. When the pain goes away by acceptance, there’s relief - not because the pain has faded, but since I've come closer to what I wish for and the realization that I can make it come true. There’s also comfort in a Chinese proverb that kicked off my psyops course this week. It may have sparked my thought above and is taken from Taoism. It reads:

“The journey is the reward”

I’ve been a zombie this weekend. I still have a light headache – it was torturous yesterday – probably from lack of sleep. I actually don’t know if I have ever pushed myself this hard mentally and physically at the same time before.

By now, I’ve gotten used to the constant feeling of tiredness. Hence feeling like a zombie but strangely acting like a professional athlete! Or a Duracell bunny...

My body is definitely under stress and is producing a high amount of adrenaline and cortisone at the moment. The hormones is a response to the stressful training and drilling in the army, and it’s making it hard to wind down at weekends as well as getting a restful night’s sleep – also during the weeks.

What’s nice is that we’re all in the same boat – all of us attending the military programme. Most of us are doctors and nurses getting ready to go to Afghanistan. That’s why we’re drilled this way. To act like soldiers, think and behave like soldiers – and blend in with the rest. An outsider is a hot target and you don’t want to reveal your purpose.

We’ve spent this week on the shooting field and fighting in the woods. It’s crazy what my new skills are actually about. Not sure how to express I can now quickly take out the target standing up, kneeing or laying down from 30, 50 and 100 meters.

We have also done our first walking session with full equipment, including helmets, backpack and the AK5 hanging off our necks. It was a beautiful evening, the sun low and the green fields completely still. Swedish summers are magic. We sang all the way back to the base – repeating the First Sergeant’s verse.

Although I hardly have time for my own thoughts, several realizations run through my mind, usually before falling asleep or in the middle of the night.

To be honest – the army is pretty uncomfortable. I don’t like wearing warm and heavy gear in the middle of summer, or equipment that hurt, throwing myself to the ground, getting bruised arms and knees, becoming dirty and tired and being bitten by hostile swarms of mosquitoes every time I sit down to pee! It’s tough. It’s uncomfortable and I rather do something else.

However, I have quickly gotten used to it all, and I am also learning something new every single day. And learning is the antidote to stagnation. There is no growth, or expansion of possibilities even within a comfort zone – that’s probably why I am secretly enjoying the challenge of Boot Camp.

Another big reason is the people; I’ve made a lot of new friends. Life in the army is all about the group and never an individual initiative alone. It’s definitely a unique experience and we’re also training and learning for a real reason. Although the situations we practise may feel surreal now - it’s life as usual in a war zone, and it’s where most of us are going.

This morning I woke up by the sound of iron beds and lockers being pulled out from the walls. The sound from the heavy iron scraping the stone floor set the tune of a new day in the army.

I once read that life is a dream and my life is so surreal at the moment, it’s an easy thing to believe.

At six thirty in the morning, I make my bed and get dressed. After a quick look in my locker, I take out the same outfit as yesterday – the green uniform. Before stepping outside I put on the cap and walk to the kitchen building across the field.

By seven fifteen, I have finished my breakfast and done the washing up and walk back to attend morning exercise. We line up on two rows in the corridor a few minutes before seven thirty. Once the officer arrives, we spend 25mins building back, bum and tummy as instructed. The purpose with the exercise is to avoid injuries later on in the day.

What happens from eight o'clock onwards is a 12 hours marathon of both indoor but mainly outdoor training and activities. This week I learnt about health care in a sensitive area; we practised an emergency situation – how to handle an accident with wounded, the importance of hygiene and various hospital set-ups and procedures.

For the first time ever, I have also shot sharp at a target with my AK5. Having spent a week getting familiar with the weapon – how to handle it and load it – we’re pretty good buddies now. The rush of adrenaline from pulling the trigger is something I haven’t felt since going live on the air, or acting in front of the camera. It could easily become an addictive sport.

I shower close to ten in the evening and fall asleep straight after. Luckily, nobody snore in my room, or perhaps I am so tired I don’t hear them. I usually wake up a few times in the night by people leaving and entering the room, or sleep talking.

Seven hours later, I do it all over again.