The Army

I wasn’t as deep into the rat race as many other people in London. I was highly creative producing content for the music and entertainment industry. It was a challenging and competitive business and I had to develop new skills, but it was rewarding, as I was following my passion. I was true to myself.

It’s easy to get caught up in the wrong values obviously, because fame, money and power have been dominating our society and most cities for some time now - probably since the birth of Capitalism.

When it comes to money, it’s true that there is freedom in having a bit of cash, but only as long as you know how much cash you need. That’s how you put a limit to your desire of wanting more. If you don’t really need more cash, then why chase them?

People are weak and easily manipulated by the media that want us to consume to make the rich richer. So these external means of measuring ourselves in society: money, fame and power – is still what the majority of people are selling their souls for.

My ex boyfriend was seriously trapped and caught up in the rat race. It’s only just daunted on me – despite writing an entire introduction piece about the rat race – I wasn’t really that deep into it myself! However, I did experience it to the max and I suffered all the negative consequences from the rat race by being with a person, who prioritized his work over me.

For nearly two years, I was in a battle I couldn’t win. As stressful as it sounds, it was always a matter of time before I’d loose my boyfriend’s presence to either planning or running to a meeting, “work” dinner, checking emails on the blackberry, or waiting for a conference call – even on holidays.

We did travel together, but it was always weekends away, never a longer break. Apart from once when we spent a week in a city, that was a combined work trip. However, I didn’t know about the work bit until we arrived. So I was by the pool on my own, dropped off at the museum to explore on my own, and spent a day with people I’d never met before. A bit like “Lost in Translation” but without the marriage, and I never met the funny bold guy. I even came along to two of his meetings, since I didn’t want to be on my own anymore. I was allowed at those two… I was such a good little puppy.

The difference from having a partner in the rat race and actually being in the race, is that as a partner you don’t “benefit” from the time invested into work. As a partner you don’t earn a higher status in your career and you don’t reap the benefit from a large bonus from working so hard in the last fiscal year. Instead, you get limited time and presence from your partner as well as the stress he is ventilating. Add to this a huge amount of insecurity and worry, since you’re never prioritized.

The relationship was ruled from one person’s calendar only, and if I had started to use mine in the same selfish way – I knew the relationship would be over. Besides, when I meet someone I like, what can be more important than spending time with that person?

Talking about it always led to arguments as it threatened his ego and wish to be a good boyfriend. So I couldn’t express myself freely and when I did, I wasn’t heard. Although trying to express his preferred way, it didn’t make a difference.

I was helping him to grow his career responsibilities by being his emotional support crutch and source of calm. At the time, I really needed his support. However, the pressure of my need became too much for him.

What do you do when you love someone, but you don’t feel safe, connected and relaxed with that person? I was trying to figure that out for the duration of our relationship. I was absorbed by it and in the end I was drained by it. Drained and depressed – mainly from giving myself the blame of my negative feelings and not succeeding in convincing myself I was loved and protected.

When eventually splitting up with him, I ended up without the boyfriend I loved, and looking back at the relationship none of it seemed happy or fun. For a year afterwards, I was angry – primarily with myself. Then I had a short period of feeling sorry for him. Then I realized it’s about time he grows up and start to take responsibility for his spoilt actions and learn to fight for what he believes in, like the rest of us – if it ever becomes clear...

When I left London for Stockholm last year, I wasn’t removing myself from the rat race. The rat race can be found and created anywhere. I removed myself to get the support I needed at the time. Without being conscious of it – I also protected myself from the environment of my relationship. Stockholm became my shield from not being heard and accepted. The new situation away from all that I knew in London, challenged me to build a place of understanding and love for myself, and it slowly removed the hope that those would ever come from my boyfriend.

The rat race had become his comfort zone. It allowed him to feel successful, important and admired by his family and friends. Nobody apart from me saw the ugly side; the egocentric shadow the race casts. I believe my friends did, as he had a self-centred way about him, with little interest for other people, unless they were business people or could prove useful in some way... Deep down it’s also how I felt; He just didn’t have the time to take an interest in my life or the emotional capacity to understand me.

It’s perhaps not all because of the rat race – some people are just egocentric and have been brought up to think they’re the shit by parents or culture. I know now that those people offer me little happiness, friendship and love. And if they seem to shine – it’s only on the outside.

There’s really nothing I can do about all this but learn from it and move on. Plus, the experience has taught me what qualities I really adore, which makes me appreciate my beautiful friends and family all the more.

I’ve had today and yesterday off, since I just worked for 10 days straight in the military.

I actually earned one extra holiday for each day on my mission, so the whole experience is starting to feel worth it now. And I’m yawning less today.

At the moment I’m in Stockholm, where I’ve had a casting session with a voice-over agency. It felt great to be back in the studio again and taking on different roles with my voice. I really love that type of work.

I’ve also been working on my Visual Communications project here, as part of my course at Konstfack. Having acted as models with a photographer yesterday, we’ve discussed the whole experience today and I will spend the rest of the weekend writing it down for our memo.

I really feel at home when I am at the art school. I get the same feeling when I am inside the studio or whenever I arrive in London.

Although I grew to like living in Stockholm last year, the city doesn’t make me feel at home. It’s a beautiful city in places – especially in the summer – and with some wonderful buildings and closeness to the sea. However, I prefer to walk in cities, and I don’t enjoy walking in Stockholm. The city has too much traffic and condensed grey building blocks in my opinion. There aren’t enough places to stop, breath and enjoy the city. And if you do, there’s polluted traffic noise right next to you. On top of this, there aren’t any free toilets, not even in the malls! Such a rip off place...

London is packed with inviting squares, free toilets, benches and forest like parks where people happily enjoy a break. Despite having dressed smart for my high-pressure jobs all over London, I’ve always been able to walk to a nearby park and lay down for 20mins during lunch. Where could I do that in central Stockholm? And if I did, I’d probably be considered a freak. That’s actually how I feel when I’m here. I just can’t identify with any groups of people in my capital.

I love “Vita Bergen”, but it’s kind of far from central Stockholm. In the centre, I feel like I am constantly walking in a hurry and getting crap in my eyes from traffic – like Oxford Street or Piccadilly Circus. Perhaps Stockholm is just too small to have any walking-only sections, big parks or recreational areas in the centre? Or, I will just need to move close to “Vita Bergen” in the southern part.

However, people are too segregated here. If I live on “Söder” in the south, I’m meant to be extremely hip with a radical haircut, or a bohemian lover of vinyl records hanging out at book swapping cafés.

If I move to “Östermalm”, I’m expected to have at least one aristocratic friend, wear Tommy Hilfiger pants, party on Stureplan and have dinner at Riche – preferably several times per week, as only regulars are welcome when it gets crowded. I’m not exaggerating.

“Kungsholmen” is perhaps a more neutral area, and that’s where I lived last year, but its got heavy traffic and loud trucks right next to the beach walk. What a waste!

I know it’s not of any use to be comparing cities, but after two days in Stockholm I really miss London. I miss the variety and eclecticism. I miss the people, huge parks and quiet leafy streets with pretty houses. I miss the range of learning and entertainment on offer, as well as the nightlife – not because I enjoy going out every night, but knowing it’s there. The nightlife in Stockholm is lame. People are too cool for school and it creates a too stiff or too drunk environment.

Man, I feel homesick now... Enköping here I come! hahaha

Tuesday 22^nd March, 2011

I had a relaxing massage in the afternoon at work today, but have felt like a zombie ever since… I am still very tired after our mission in the forest.

During our broadcasting mission, I read a book about soldiers at war, which inspired me to produce a 5mins programme about serious stress reactions that require treatment. I was so fascinated by my research I have to share it here.

Obviously, it’s not only soldiers – all people can experience stress symptoms caused by various situations in life.

Serious stress reactions:

The environment of a war will put a lot of pressure onto a person. There’s an old saying that goes: “How you react in a pressured situation during peace, that’s how you’ll probably react at war.”

It’s possible for a soldier to feel stress symptoms before, during and after a battle. When an immediate danger is over, the symptoms usually pass. However if the reaction has been strong – some serious stress symptoms remain, for example:

Worry and restlessness

Mood swings

Sleeping problems

Emotional – easily cries

Little appetite

Shakings and trembling

It’s also possible to react more inwards with symptoms, such as:

Empty, staring gaze

Nothing matters

Silence and isolation

It’s important to remember that a mentally drained person can’t just get on with it, and cheer up. All his energy is going towards keeping the internal worry under control.

To help someone who is emotionally drained – seek contact with him. Don’t treat him like a sick person, but show him that you understand that he is psychologically exhausted and that he needs care and certain treatment.

Make him understand that what he is going through is absolutely normal, and that it won’t impact his duties and responsibilities in the future. However, at the moment, he needs to rest.

Avoid talking yourself and don’t try to give any “good advice”. Definitely don’t try to minimize or deny the problem. Instead, listen and be compassionate. A person with stress symptoms needs support.

Give him a relaxing place to rest if it’s possible, bring him warm food and give him a temporary less straining role. Sleep is one of the best medicines.

Although a mentally drained person require certain treatment, it’s important that he carries on feeling NEEDED.

Support the person so that he doesn’t feel useless or inadequate. Make him believe he is still a valuable asset to the team. Only if the person is dangerous to himself or the team, he will need qualified treatment.

Don’t forget; his condition is temporary.

Monday night 21st March, 2011.

I am exhausted.

When we arrived at the military base this morning, it felt so cosy to be back at work again.  My desk looked cosy as well as my locker, the sterile kitchen and all the soldiers, buildings and the cars there too.

Six days in the forest felt like a long time. Having gone without sleeping properly and producing radio around 16 hours per day, has taken its toll on me.

Apart from dead flies, the cabin had a lot of rat poo inside. I actually had to wipe some off my mattress the first day. At least I made sure I wasn’t in a room with anybody snoring. So, the conditions in the cabin, wasn’t exactly cosy. But as everybody told me when I got back: “Be grateful you didn’t have to sleep in a tent!”

It had me thinking for a while – what on earth have I gotten myself into? It’s so typical of me just to jump into new stuff that excites me without thinking about the less exciting or even negative aspects. It’s like I am unable to think about anything difficult in advance of a project that appeals to me. And I really don’t like it when people bring up the potential negatives either. It has never helped me, so why do it?

That reminds me of something a wise friend recently said: “It’s only possible to reflect back in time – never the present.” So if a path I’ve taken in my life isn’t clear right now, I know it will be in time. Meanwhile, I’ll just carry on following my gut instinct and heart.

Anyways, I survived the rat-infested cabin and it actually involved a lot of laughter and lots of poo jokes. It’s also been a real bonding experience with the awesome team of professionals I have the pleasure of working with.

And the main thing is – my first mission was hugely successful! Thanks to our technology and specialist knowledge, we built a radio station from scratch and the Swedish audience could hear us well and got in touch. A few enthusiastic people showed up at the cabin, including our bosses at the base who were mighty impressed. Now we know that when needed, we're able to produce a psychological operation abroad using radio.

I just need to catch up on sleep now.

Third day on my first mission and I started the day with permission of a 30mins shower. Having gone without a wash for three days, it was a slight incredible experience.

At the moment, we’re counting down the minutes until my show starts. I recorded a two hours show with a party theme and dance music this afternoon. As always on the radio, I go on an adrenaline high and become a complete zombie afterwards. I’m actually sleep deprived, as we’re awake watching over the broadcast at night.

Listening to loud music and producing jingles from the cabin kitchen over here is reminding me a lot of the days at Total Rock Radio in London. Only world famous rock stars walking in and out missing... Instead there are a bunch of fit Swedish soldiers in green army pants, hehe.

Before this mission I made sure to get bigger shoes and pants, so no more blisters and itchy feet for me, such a relief.

We’ve mainly been inside today since a snowstorm hit the forest this morning. I am really looking forward to spring now. Also got two weeks off in April, so thinking of going to a warmer place... Any ideas?

Second day on my first mission and I am able to get a slow Internet connection thanks to a nearby iPhone.

Having been surrounded by radio equipment and not much more than trees and snow for a couple of days with little sleep, I am starting to believe I’m in a new country – radio land – where the language is a mix of English and Swedish and the days long and hard.

It took us a while to get the radio transmitter up and running yesterday. I was digging, shuffling snow and putting together the enormous construction piece by piece. It was hugely satisfying to see the transmitter lighting up the black night and to finally be broadcasting around 11pm. I was absolutely exhausted in the end, but once the music started streaming our cabin became a party.

I still can’t believe we’ve created a totally new radio station from scratch – all from a forest somewhere in Sweden. We’ll be broadcasting on 99.5FM until Sunday.

I spent the morning packing my green duffel bag as well as the rucksack and made sure I have everything needed for the next five days. I’ll be off on my first mission tomorrow. We’ll be back on Monday afternoon, so will be working over the weekend as well.

In the afternoon I went for my first spinning class at the gym. It was like a day time rave but in gym clothes. Fantastic boost of energy! I’m really looking forward to completely snow bare roads soon, so I can start running. There are great tracks in the forest here and people have been using them for cross country skiing all winter.

Something else happened today as I was leaving work… I found out I’ve been ripped off. The buyer of my UK Blackberry phone, never paid the money into my PayPal account, he sent me a spoof e-mail. So I never got paid the 240 pounds we agreed on. I got rid of my Blackberry though. In December my Barclays card got hijacked in Brazil and in January someone went nuts using my American Express at some designer store. The bb things happened in February. Hopefully this month is safe.

A new employee joined our media crew this week. However, I’m still the only woman. The new guy has previously worked as a documentary film maker for Swedish television and as a news reporter for both Swedish TV and radio.

It’s great to be surrounded by people with similar creative interests and I love the Swedish man’s view on equality, paternity and maternity leave and their overall similar values and opinions. It saves so much energy to be on the same level and just get on with the fun stuff. We’re having a lot of fun at work actually. It really is a top team.

On Monday afternoon I was greeted by two soldiers for the first time. They nodded, said: “Sergeant”, and only took their right arms down once I had released mine.

That’s how it’s done friends.

The snow is melting quickly in Enköping and the 25mins walk to and from work has become a great start and finish to my day.

Somewhere between the main square and the train station I pass the same three people every morning. They must all be getting off the train... First a medium height black man dressed in dark clothes and a blue hat pulled down over his ears, then a short and very large woman in her early 30s with brown hair, and always wearing a brown poncho. The third person is a good looking man in his late 20s with thick “media” glasses and black hair. He wears a smart jacket and is kind of geeky looking.

It’s been sunny every day for the past week and it’s great to get back from work around 5pm and have five hours of spare time before going to bed. Time really is our most precious resource. I love that fact that as soon as I leave the military base, I am no longer thinking about work and a new creative mind kicks in.

Having been without a TV and internet since I moved here has definitely pushed my creative thinking forward. I love it, and my life is starting to feel richer than ever before.

My mum and grandmother came to visit from Saturday night to Sunday night. I must admit I was shattered after my first full week at work and the course in Stockholm and wasn’t the liveliest host on Saturday evening. Luckily they brought a TV so I could retire at 9pm.

We spent Sunday at a nearby IKEA, where I found a giant black chest of drawers and a bookcase. I also bumped into an old classmate from high school. “I thought you were living in London working in radio”, he said. I explained I have just moved back, now living in Enköping doing something similar. He replied “Oh, just less glamorous”. I agreed. He then had to run after his young daughter into the children area.

Don’t know what glamour he meant, but sure; you can get glamour in London. However, it never made my life feel any richer or happier.

By 10.30pm on Sunday I had put together the chest of drawers and emptied my last box of clothes. The room smelt of wood and dust from all the furniture, despite vacuuming. At half two in the morning, I woke up with an insane headache.

I took of sip from my glass of water and could feel pieces of wood dust going down my throat. I coughed and went into the bathroom to blow my nose.

The wood stank was so strong I pulled the mattress from the bed and decided to sleep on the living room floor. It was like my head was about to explode and I was thirsty. My head started to spin. I was alone. Is it possible to get poisoned from IKEA furniture? Has anyone ever died from breathing in too much wood dust?

You realize how alone you are when you start to worry about death in the middle of the night, and how pointless it is with no one else around.

At three o clock in the morning it became clear to me how much I’ve tried to suppress my experience in Peru eight months ago, when I nearly died from altitude sickness. I have nothing written in my diary from that day,

13 July 2010:

I had crossed two 5000 meters peaks that day and we hit a storm after the second one. The cold weather had come quickly and it was raining when we got to camp. It was the fifth day and we were half way through our hike of Alpamayo.

Our tents had been raised at 4000 meters on a big green, surrounded by white and grey mountains. The clouds were moving quickly and after dinner it was pitch black. Since my nose was blocked, I had kept my friend Rachela awake so she wanted to sleep in separate tents that night. For the first time on the hike, I went to bed alone.

Before going to sleep I swallowed two extra strong Vicks flu pills bought in America by my ex boyfriend. I woke up an hour later to realize I couldn’t breath. It reminded me of our relationship and I blocked out the immediate guilt from taking the pills…

I was struggling to open the tent in the pitch black. My head started to spin and I thought I was going to loose consciousness. Finally I crawled out and noticed the frost on the grass with my hands, but I couldn’t feel the cold. I needed to get closer to the other tents.

As soon as the change in temperature hit my body, I started to see white big flashes in the sky. It felt like electricity going through my brain causing a stir and a simultaneous flash in the horizon.

I could feel my blood pressure running out of my arms and legs and my body became heavy. I had no energy to carry on crawling, so I sat down.

With great effort I managed to form the guide’s name with my lips and yell; Abell!

It was such a clear night and I would normally enjoy the sight of so many bright stars and planets. This time however, I had no idea what I was doing or why I was sitting alone on a mountain in Peru.

I thought that would be my last night in this life. And I hated the fact that I would die alone without having experienced what's really worth living for. It became so clear to me that night, and it gave me hope and it kept me fighting. Love.

On Saturday I took the 8.10am train to Stockholm’s Konstfack. It’s an art school where I’ve been taking a course since October. Our project is super exciting and I’ve become completely engrossed in the last few months.

As part of the course ‘Visual Communication’ I am analyzing perfume advertising from a gender perspective together with two other students. We’re all professionals.

This weekend we narrowed down our initial nine images to two – the visual interpretations that grab us the most, and they’re also very representative for the look of many perfume campaigns.

Next up is to go into the studio and photograph ourselves in the same pose as the models. However, we’ll be exaggerating the message in the original photos… And experiencing how the postures and facial expressions make us feel. Can’t wait to share the outcome with you in April, when the course finishes.

This morning I finally got access to my computer and work e-mail. I also signed up to the internal fitness programme that keeps track of the exercise classes I attend and it will reward me based on points earned. I guess it pays to be fit in the army.

Since I didn’t bring a lunch box today I had to go into town to pick up some food at the grocery store. My boss diplomatically said: “If someone looks at you in town, it’s not because you’re a soldier, it’s because you’re a woman”. I raised an eyebrow, and he quickly added “And a soldier”!

It was sunny. I was dressed in my green uniform from top to toe and passing a bunch of stores. A man came out of a mobile phone shop as I walked by. He jumped to the side. Then he smiled.

I immediately took my hat off in the grocery store and the instinctive move surprised me a little. I was lightly told off the other day when I forgot to take my hat off inside the chief commander’s office. As frightening as it sounds… good girls learn quickly.

Shopping food in a military suit made me decisive. I went for the salad I know I like and the bread I’ve bought before. I quickly looked at the cereals and although I wasn’t sure about a certain pack, I just grabbed it. Where do I pay?

All of a sudden, I wasn’t able to blend in anymore – I was a green person. And a soldier is also usually a subject of opinion. I guess a foreigner must feel similar, especially in a small town like Enköping.

After three full days in uniform I am realizing that my boots are too big, the trousers give me blisters as the crutch is made for a man – feels like I’ve got the belt under my chest! And the wholly socks are super itchy. I need to see the guys in the wear-house first thing Monday. So grateful to be wearing my own clothes for two days now – bless the weekend!

This is me carrying a couple of microphones and on my way to produce the jingles for the radio station we’re

creating. Just click on the picture to make it larger.

Today was my last day in civilian clothes.

My two outdoor jackets, hats and t-shirt were delivered with the correct military rank this morning at the warehouse. The guys over there know me by my first name now. They're slow but really sweet and helpful.

I am Sergeant First Class here - hired as a specialist producer of International Psychological Operations. I’m not allowed to carry out psyops in my own country and unless I’ve personally bought some military clothes – which I can do for a bargain - I’m not allowed to mix my military gear with any civilian clothes. When outdoors, I always have to wear a hat (unless somebody with a higher rank gives me permission to take it off).

I will carry out my first mission next week. It’s an operation to test technology and in this case, our radio technology. Today I’ve been putting together content for a new FM radio station with music and jingles and will be broadcasting over Stockholm next Wednesday to Sunday.

It's strange but after just one week in Enköping, I'm starting to feel more positive and at home here.